Welcome back to Haiku Friday! Not done one of these in a bit, but we’re in a super poetic mood (and we also want to scare the bejeezus out of you).

Horror Haiku for the Discerning, Poetic, Introspective Sort

Our last outing was the Haiku weekend special! Now we’ve got our mojo back with this truly superb poetry. Really. You’ll be moved to tears by this lot, we can 100% guarantee.

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Horror Haiku

Our poetry is really scary,
And that’s because we’re not called Mary,
But we do eat lots of dairy*.

*NB: This is terrifying with the right context, as we’ll explain. Dairy products are packed with all sorts of harsh chemicals—especially in the US. As such, consuming the stuff is truly terrifying if you’re in the know. All of which means the above haiku is probably the most terrifying in human history.

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Scary Mary

If you are called Mary*,
Then you are scary,
Just like dairy.

*NB: We appreciate  this is a sweeping generalisation towards anyone called Mary, but please understand the need of this haiku and our general need to balance the needs of global Mary named individuals towards our need to complete some semblance of a haiku. Thank you for your understanding during this difficult time.

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FEAR Factor

You got the FEAR,
Are you a deer?
Let me buy you a dear!

*NB: Overdoing it with the NBs a bit (this undermining the concise nature of haiku), but here we’re highlighting former Stone Roses singer Ian Brown’s hit single FEAR. Here he is in Manchester back in 2001 riding a bike.

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Northern England’s Take on Horror

‘ORROR
U WOT?!
U FUCKIN’ STARTIN?!

*NB: We were trying to keep these haiku super concise (as is the nature of haiku) but we should explain here that, in Northern England, the “h” is dropped in favour of relentless, raging, bitter, furious, angry profanity. It’s why living here has always been such a delight.

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Happy Horror

Horror isn’t always sad,
Often it just makes me glad,
OH MY GOD IT’S BUST OUT OF JOHN HURT!

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Horror Holidays

You are going off on holiday,
That is the perfect chance to enjoy my stay,
Now I am convinced I am gay*.

*NB: Good for them! It’s PRIDE Month and we love a bit of that. 🏳️‍🌈🌈

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Cheese or Horror?

I really like cheese,
But it always attracts bees,
What should I wear to cover up my knees*?

*NB: The answer to this is…you don’t! You just die horribly due to stings.

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Pearl?

For the  love of God watch Pearl!
It’s better than Earl (‘s Court, in London)
Mia Goth is amazeballs in it.

*NB: This is a stretch as we  just can’t be arsed after a busy week. Watch the horror film Pearl, dammit! Perfect the scream.

Horror or Borrow?

If you need to borrow,
Be sure to watch The Borrowers,
Unless you’re a heroin addict (then just steal everything you see).

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Horror or Borer?

You can talk all day about horror,
But that may make you a borer,
Detonate some TNT to avoid either*.

*NB: That almost rhymes, give us that FFS! And, yes, we know haiku isn’t about “rhyming” so just give us some credit here! They’re supposed to be crap.