Here in the Professional Moron office we’ve noticed a few changes in our official pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster.

A naturally timid little beast, she takes particular delight in the following:

• Her wheel,
• Peace and quiet,
• Pumpkins seeds,
• Her bed, and last but not least,
• Chocolate drops.

She also has a habit of scaling her cage and shimmying herself with her front paws (whilst hanging upside down) across the length of the cage’s roof. Needless to say this is an impressive feat for such a tiny monster beast.

These are all characteristics we’ve noticed from her in the 6 months of ownership. Her natural shyness also means she dislikes being picked up.

Once she is up in your claw (or hand, if you’re a human being) then she’s very lively and seems to enjoy it.

Lately, however, she has taken to nipping our hand in impatience with her mega sharp teeth, and using her nose as a barging technique.

We’re putting this down as a “terrible teens” stage and presume she’ll grow out of it.

The reason we bring this up is because it ruddy well hurts and we’re actually getting quite scared of her! “Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster Terrifies 6’1″ Owner” – we can see the international newspaper headlines right now. Agadoo, sir.