What Earthlings Could Do On Mars

Mars in 1997. Little has changed since then.

The Red Planet has long been a source of tremendous fascination for us Earthlings. It’s red, it’s a long way away, and we like to make films about stuff living there. Most recently there was John Carter OF MARS, but we’ve also had Mars Attacks and others like that one with Tim Robbins. We forget its name. Anyway, we like to imagine there are aliens on Mars planning some scheme to take over Earth. Fun, eh?

As it turns out there probably was water on the planet several billion years ago. Whether there was intelligent life frolicking about the place seems highly unlikely. And yet our fascination with the Red Planet remains. NASA have been all public of late with their Curiosity Rover which touched down and began taking really close up pictures of rocks and sand. Well worth the $1.6 billion! And, for some reason, the hope is to one day land men on Mars. And we say “men” instead of “humans” as it’s bound to be a bloke who gets there first, isn’t it? Macho pride would not be able to withstand a woman landing there. Frankly we’d be happy if NASA sent Lady Gaga first so we could be rid of the tedius bint forever more. ANYWAY! Our psychotic dreams aside, just what could we get up to if we colonised the planet for ourselves?!?!?!?

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Once our superiors have had enough of destroying the Earth it’s good to know we can head over to Mars and mess that planet up too. Just how long until the first war kicks off, do you think? Assuming that the Americans will take the planet as theirs, us English types can hope for a slice of the action thanks to our half-decent relationship with the Superpower. China will be in there, of course, and we’d like to think they brew a special brand of…

Mars Tea!

This is what Mars Tea could look like (it’s actually Rooibos)!

This specially brewed brand of tea (special in that it would be grown on Mars, guy) woULD HAve CErTaiN quaLITies ABOut iT, BuDdY! We would like to think the unique “atmosphere” from “Mars” woul”d” make the tea a superfood. If you look online at any tea’s purported health benefits you’ll find items of information such as, “May help with ingrowning toenails” and “Perhaps could help ease ice lolly burn”. Well Mars Tea would guarantee curing ingrowing toenails, and would also assist in nose hair growth. Awesome!

Mars Cake

Cake.

“Nothing quite like a slice of Mars Cake!” citizens will chortle whilst their supreme overlords, Mars Aliens, preside over them with Mars Shotguns. Yes, as it turns out Mars was populated by marauding aliens. They’d just been having a bit of a kip in the centre of their planet. Now, ever so slightly miffed to find Earthlings calling the place home, they’re making their slaves eat their Mars Cake. It looks like normal cake but the aliens will force each human to eat slightly too much, and therefore feel slightly stuffed and sleepy. Oh, the humanity!

Mars Aliens

Behold – Mars Aliens!

Our Supreme Overlords won’t be too evil. After all, they find us entertaining in the way we look at dogs and laugh as they do stupid things. They may prod us with Mars Sticks from time to time, laugh at us as we eat Mars Sand, and make us listen to Mars Music (a mixture of yodeling and Death Metal with Acid House Beats) but they really aren’t too bad a bunch.

Mars Politics

Mars Alien’s Official Political Statement.

Things aren’t too polemical up there in deep space, our Supreme Overlords keep a watchful eye on us to make sure we don’t mess anything up again, but on the whole everything is very well ordered and good fun. Huzzah! Apart from their ego-centric notion that Mars Aliens are better than us. Will the human ego be able to cope with an inferiorty complex?

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