Ah, the 12 signs of Zodiac. No, not the film with Robert Downey Jr. and Jake Gylenhalelal… Gylleeenhaaeell…. Gylen…. that bloke who’s in Source Code. Anyway, horoscopes is what we’re going to go on about today. We’ve never tried to predict them before so we figured it was probably about thyme. And why snot? We all have a daily horoscope whether we want to or not. Many of us, indeed, may not want it, but you will be shot dead by a Horoscope God if you try and remove your official horoscope. This is a fact backed up by Wikipedia. So, dear reader, just what can YOU expect from this merry, very merry, merry day in history? Will it be handbags at dawn or sheds in the evening? Read on, Macduff!
We see wave after wave of Zulus hurtling down upon your household today. Best bet is to stock up on tinned tuna and hope for the best – you’re in this one for the long haul. Between days of slaughtering the chanting tribe you will find the time to connect and bond with whoever you live with. If you live alone you will slowly drive yourself insane until, months into your ordeal, you will believe yourself to be a member of the Zulu tribe. From this moment on your will live happily ever after with Michael Caine.
Well. Well well well. Well well well well well well well. Today you will have a plague of flesh eating ants visit your local neighbourhood and very politely greet you. The bloodthirsty army will dip their hats, amiably hang about, and then move on in search of something to ravenously consume.
Envy will drive you to do something stupid today; your colleague will order a tastier looking lunch than you and you will lamp him/her with a right hooked punched in utter fury. Be warned, this may have a detrimental result on your relationship, and your insistence that it wasn’t you it was the morbidly obese chap on the next table will not go down well.
You will get in trouble with your boss today due to your relentless use of profanity. You’re in a bad mood a stubbed your toe REALLY badly this morning and, as a consequence, punch your kitchen cabinets and broke a few knuckles. “Balls to hospital!” you exclaim, and into work you go. Writhing in agony. Your constant muttering of expletives will draw the attention of confused and terrified colleagues who will “diss” you out and get you in front of your boss. “Now then, what seems to be the trouble?” he will ask kindly. “F*** OFF!” you will roar. Nevermind, tomorrow should be better.
You will spend the day wondering what Leo DiCaprio is up to. Convinced he is probably off making a film somewhere, you will trace his movements on the internet and send relentless gossip across Twitter in the hope you might get a personal response. By the end of the day (ahem) you be so disillusioned with Leo that you will start a Hate blog designed to make him look even more silly than he does in the Leo Strut pictures.
Today you will brush your teeth three hundred and fifty four times and then get an early nights sleep. You will have a berserkly vivid dream involving a giant toothbrush and toothpaste rain which you will wake from whilst screaming “Don’t forget to floss!”.
Today will be a purposefully confusing day. You will wander about looking as confused as possible in the hope fellow citizens and colleagues will approach you in concern, to which you will respond with, “Je ne sais pas!”. You will say this in a variety of weird accents, principally Welsh.
You will get your name changed via deed poll to Scorpio today as you think it sounds cool. You will then, on an ego spree, get “I AM SCORPIO!!” tattooed onto your forehead. You will then get a bespoke t-shirt printed for yourself with the legend “I AM SCORPIO AND I AM ACE!!!” blazoned on the front. Following these successful endevaours you will proceed to sprint around town screaming “SCORPIO!” whilst onlookers point and laugh.
You will take the bus to work today and repeatedly change seat each time the bus stops. You will also do this on the journey home, except you will exclaim “Sweet Zombie Jesus!” with each swap.
Lots of sweating will occur today as you’re going to be needlessly dashing everyone and drinking Double Expresso coffees. At lunch you will eat seventeen burgers from hatever fast food store is nearest to work; you will do this in full view of your colleagues or friends and will make gross scoffing and squelching noises as you eat.
You will decide going for a swim is a good idea today – whenever you see any form of water you will attempt to get into the water. If it rains you will inform everyone you meet that the world is moments away from imploding and that you should all go for a swim to celebrate. You will end the day in a prison cell.
At lunch you will decide that ordering something weird will make you seem intelligent and sophisticated. You will head into a questionable looking fast food joint and order caviar and fresh sushi. You will insist that you will not leave the fast food joint until you receive your order, which you will only pay £1 for. If any of the staff question your decision you will announce, “I am obstinate!” in a variety of silly voices. Then giggle like a Mutley.