Holy cow! It’s super cold (in Northern England it is, anyway) and it’s only going to get colder. Indeed. And why? As it is winter, dear reader. Sheesh! Git wid da thymes. We’re stocking up on warm stuff in order to fend off the ice and snow as this stuff is going to try and eat us out of house and home. We’re also making sure the office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster has extra warm bedding to fight off the chill. She’s a highly evolved animal so we think she’ll be able to muster up the ability to fend off the winter of 2012.
We, however, are a bit more nervous. There’s lots of standing around freezing whilst waiting for the notoriously awful British public transport to work. Huge delays and breakdowns are common, so one is in need of mittens and scarves. HOWEVER! There are plenty of other things you can do to keep super warm, and Professional Moron is here to fill you in on this. Huzzah!
Nose Muffs – Never mind ear muffs, these little beauties will keep your honker on the warm side of things all the time! And why not? Many a time has Mr. Wapojif’s nose gone bright red for no apparent reason. Well, actually we know the reason. The stifling cold. BUT! With the Nose Muff you will not only look uber cool, but your nose will be mega warm too! Aceness!
Toeless Socks – Like Fingerless Gloves but, you know, for your feet. The advantages of these socks are massive, guy. For instance, if your feet get a bit sweaty then they won’t stink as bad. Bonus!
Avoid Walking Around With No Clothes On – Asides from this technique keeping you out of police custody, it will also keep you super warm! Along with toeless socks and nose muffs, don’t forget your fingerless gloves, hats, jumperd and other stuff. Should you forget all of these and hit the streets starkers, perhaps it would be wise to rob a clothes store. Wicked!
Eat Lots Of Warm Food – This is vital to keep your innards warm. We can recommend carrying with you, at all time, an extra hot chilli pepper to chew if you start to feel a bit cold. Failing this, regularly boil kettles of water and pour the just boiled contents over yourself. Never mind the searing agony; at least you’re not going to get frostbite!
Don’t Swim In Any Rivers/Lakes/Canals/Streams – Skinny dipping at this thyme of year is a big no no. Water gets mega cold, so attempting to relive what those poor buggers on the Titanic went through is not wise. If you do somehow manage to end up naked in a below freezing bit of water we advise you remove yourself from the water and get warm quickly. You can use any of the above methods to achieve this, although we can recommend a nose muff. They are super warm!
Don’t Climb Mount Everest – At some point you might think it will prove how macho and ace you are by climbing this thing. Chances are you’ll fail (Mr. Wapojif knows all too well – he once tried to climb it in a dream) and end up losing a few toes to frostbite. Yes, the sad fact is Mrs. Everest is one heck of a massive, cold, inhospitable place only a maniac would want to summit. Why not just stuff your face with chilli peppers in front of the television? Sorted!