First of all Professional Moron is a family blog and, thusly, we accept no smut whatsoever. We’re British after all, dammit, so absolutely no debauchery! Ever! Yet as the media circus (paricularly in Britain) is always so hepped up about physical perfection we thought we’d go with the flow for a change and think about the very best celebrities. “Who are they!?!?”, you might scream in anguish. Rest your fears down somewhere, darlings, for we know all the answers. It’s a true skill known as “fabrication” but we don’t really want to get to that just yet. We’ll discuss it when the Sun expands and obliterates the Solar System in a billion years or so. “Er, you might be dead by then…” you could claim, but we’ve had enough of your assertions!
Simple fact dictates the following are the most physically perfect celebrities on Earth; Arnold Schwarzenegger (his bulging man muscles), Angelina Jolie (the lips of a botox victim), Brad Pitt (his eyebrows), Woody Allen (his brain), Woody Harrelson (he’s got good hair), Bruce Willis (we can’t think of a reason), John Travolta (chin dimple), Tom Cruise (the best name), Johnny Depp (the second best name), and Helena Bonham Carter (for something or other). There are other celebrities with enviable appearances, of course, such as Bo Derrick and Jennifer Aniston. So, if you could steal one of their body parts, what would you go for?!?!??!?!
Let’s discuss the most enviable body part on both sexes; toenails. Let’s face it – feet are pretty stupid looking. They’re incredibly handy things but, by jove, they (particularly if you’re a man) stink the place up a notch or two and have these ghastly things at the end. What are we on about? Toenails! Without getting too disgusting about it all, nails are weird things your body grows for no real reason whatsoever. Men go bald, women go grey, people get withered and deteriorate in old age… but through it all the bloody toenails (and nails in general) keep on growing. As does nose hair (if you’re a man). Anyway, obviously no one would want Big Arnie’s toenails, and in fact I can’t think of anyone who is sane being bothered about this particular area. Due to this we should end the great toenail debate right here.
So what other areas do humans get all envious about? Shins, naturally. Many a thyme has Professional Moron’s Mr. Wapojif become quite enraged when he has seen the cardinal sin of a shin with FAKE TAN! Even office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster has had to endure one of Mr. Wapojif’s protracted rants about fake tan. Ho ho ho, such words as “spurious” and “vacuous” are merged with phrases such as “fuddy duddy” and “total git”. Anyway, the real point to all this rambling is how we’re quite fed up of the celebrity culture of modern life. Mr. Wapojif uses Hotmail and this leads him to view MSN’s relentless campaign of idiotic news stories; “Rihanna seen happy at airport!” went one headline today. OMG! Firstly, Rihanna is a talentless bint, secondly why should any person care? The staff of Professional Moron urges you to head out into society with a hop, skip, and a jump. And the next thyme you see anyone with a fake tan tell them they’re a fuddy duddy. You go girl!