Our Guide to Controlling the Earth

The Earth with Matrix code over it

If we controlled the Earth we’d do some pretty insane stuff, it has to be written. Not in a “woe is humanity!” sort of way.

No. Much more… better. Here’s our guide to what we’d do!

How to Control the World

The Professional Moron staff wouldn’t go totally insane and start trashing the place with massive ruddy great big hammers, but we would make a few changes.

Subtle stuff, you know? Stuff that wouldn’t be overtly noticeable to stupid people, but the more intelligent sorts would be all, “OMG! What are these crazy maniacs doing?!”

For instance, last month we published Mr. Wapojif’s polemic  about Mapitalism (a merger of Capitalism and Marxism).

The first thing we’d do is enforce this on a worldwide level. Naturally this would involve lots of other, equally dramatic changes.

Mr. Wapojif would also be keen to make sweeping changes with regard to sandwiches, jam, Marmite, and socks. Just what has this evil genius got in mind?

It’s fair to say Mr. Wapojif long ago lost any real sense of reality. His brain indulges in more escapism than The Queen of England waves sporadically at her pathetic subordinates.

So, here’s what’s in store for the Royal Family! HAH!


If this bloke likes it, it’s good enough for us.

As Supreme Overlord of Earth Mr. Wapojif would install himself as the head of the known Universe; Mapitalism is about the general distancing of the proles so, as Overlord, Mr. Wapojif would not have to deal with them.

However, on reasonably frequent occasions (about once a year) he would emerge to the public to make a speech. Much like The Queen of England currently does, except Mr. Wapojif’s would be pertinent and interesting.

The rest of the year Mr. Wapojif would recline on a comfortable sofa, ordering slaves to brush his teeth at least seventy three times a day.

Mr. Wapojif would install a President to “do” silly duties for him, such as; arbitrary waving at the public, and/or demanding high taxes to anyone who wins the Hourly Mapitalism Competition (a collection of marbles being the prize).

Anyone (except the proles) can forfeit these taxes by taking The Walk of Shame through central Manchester (we’re Mancs so the Northern city would become the centre of the Universe) wearing a “I Love Cake” t-shirt, with matching speedos and a hat bearing the legend “Dunce“.

Social Structure

Idiots talking.

Social status would be broken up into the following aspects; Chavs, Scumbags, Proles, Normal People, Upper Middles Class, Upper Class, Toffs.

Anyone below the “Normal People” segment would be expected to work 37 hour days 9 days a week.

Everyone else, except the Toffs, are to work 3 hour days 2 days a week.

Toffs are to be lashed daily by giant demon monsters (these are yet to be invented by Stephen Hawking) who will wield giant Space Ray Guns (to be invented by Albert Einstein once physicist Brian Cox (of BBC fame) has brought him back to life) to keep law and order.


Marmite: The power to end wars!

Since when did anyone really need to eat anything but marmite? This is all everyone will eat as it provides veg, B vitamins, and vast amounts of salt.

The latter should create a great thirst amongst the citizens, who will thusly drink more water than normal to stay extra well hydrated. Due to this we expect acne to be a thing of the past, as well as scurvy.

Sadly there’s only one real way to handle the proles, and that’s with a massive great big batch of pork pies, beer, and cigarettes. Anyone who refuses to eat this diet will be forced onto a diet of raw pasta.

Space Travel

Standard flights from now on. Awesome

Will be incorporated into normal public travel. As you can see from the above picture, all planes will be affixed with a Space Shuttle in case of any problems mid-flight.

The reasoning here is the Shuttle will provide a good escape pod and, you know, whilst everyone’s up in the air they might as well go for a deep space exploration exercise.

We see no harm in this. It saves training astronauts up, eh?

Dispense with some gibberish!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.