Okay, so The Queen of England gives her annual speech tomorrow (in 3D! HUZZAH!!!) and whilst we’re anti-monarchy here at Professional Moron (we have this thing against hereditary privilege and mindless anachronisms, you know?) we do kind of like the notion of our Great Leader Her Majesty regaling us with the year’s events. Why do we like it? Well it’s sort of interesting to think what she who has lead such a tumult free existence makes of what us scumbag proles get up to. And what have we been up to? Well, as we’re scumbag proles all we do is get utterly drunk and smash things with our fists. Such are our subordinate caveman ways!
Anyway, it’s not that we don’t enjoy what Liz has to say – it’s more her deadpan delivery, which has the emotional resonance of a dead walrus. We’re sure it’ll be thrilling this year, though, as the old practice makes perfect thing should be paying off by now. However, we’re going to have a REALLY in depth look at what actually should be said/considered tomorrow. Hold on to your butts.
1 – Nuclear Destruction.
2 – Cucumber Sandwiches.
3 – Cabbage availability during World War II.
4 – Cabbage availability during 2012.
5 – Why Prince Philip is the way he is.
6 – Chewing gum.
7 – Last year’s nationwide English riots and how they were brought about by the scumbag proles as they’re so drunk and stupid.
8 – Her plans to be the first Queen on Mars.
9 – An in-depth look at her previous night’s dream about cabbages.
10 – The denial that she is demanding Kate’s baby be called Refrigerator Unit #1111111111111110001.
11 – Further denial of Refrigerator Unit #1111111111111110001 requiring a face transplant if she deems the newborn to be “fugly” (fat and ugly).
12 – A general appreciation of Britain’s athletes during the Olympic Games and how she wishes the cabbages would stop talking to her in her dreams.
13 – Demands that all of the McDonalds across England deliver the best freshly baked French Fries.
13 – Proclamations that she is the Captain Cabbage of Jupiter.
14 – Why Britain has such an incongrous public transport system.
15 – What happens to all the potato peelings when they’ve been left to rot, and why there should be a Potato Peelings Charity which forces people to donate by threatening to spray CS gas in their faces.
16 – Why semtex wasn’t more readily available at local supermarkets.
17 – The reason jam tastes so great on stuff, apart from with spam and mud and cheese and haggis.
Following on from this she will abandon her usual speech and begin impromptu, and planned, actions with objects around her.
1 – A demonstration with two puppet cabbages and a brief play as they argue and bicker about the proposed Mayan apocalypse which did nae arrive.
2 – She will begin to eat lipstick, in complete silence, for several minutes.
3 – She will demand fresh cups of tea throughout the entire video, an amount which would equate to around 4 litres of water. She will have to use the bathroom several times as a consequence of this intake.
4 – She will begin a series of bizarre impersonations of famous people; Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fred Elliot, Bob Geldof, Nelson Mandela, and possibly Genghis Khan.
5 – She will demand fresh cups of tea throughout the entire video, an amount which would equate to around 4 litres of water. She will have to use the bathroom several times as a consequence of this intake.
6 – She will begin to dance like “a giraffe” as she runs out of stuff to do towards the end of the speech.
7 – When tired of this she will utter a terrifying war shriek and then punch the camera into smithereens, thusly ending the transmission for another year.