How To Advertise Socks

Socks
Some socks.

What is it with socks? You get up every morning and attach them to your feet. Your tootises then stink the clothing implements out. Then you have to wash them. Every week. You can’t wear one pair of socks once without having to stick them in a washing machine. Fact. Sound tough? Well, imagine trying to market the things.

A Brief History Lesson

Socks were invented by Mr. Sock back in the 14th century when, following freezing his feet off during a particularly unpleasant Age of Discovery voyage, he announced, “Bloody hell!” for it was a British gentleman, “I are sick of me bladdy feet freezing to ice cubes whilst merrying it up a notch whilst out at sea! But what for it not worth for though? I say!”

And so, silently, he plotted and planned. Unfortunately, he was run over by a goat before his designs came to fruition. So, indeed, you see, socks didn’t exist for many, many more centuries (one to be precise).

There was really nothing to stick your feet in (nothing warm and fluffy, anyway) and peasants of the time had to make do with whatever they could. Mud was popular as, after a bit, the mud would solidify and keep your feet warm.

People began to style the mud into different patterns and there was quite the cultural boom going on for numerous centuries, but then Mr. Sock’s blueprints for socks were discovered by Mrs. Socks in the 15th century and, what ho, the first prototype socks were fashioned from dead rats and bits of string. The rest is history.

They’re not the most exciting things in the world but they sure do keep your tootsies warm! For this reason, they’re to be celebrated but, you know, just how do you go about advertising something as boring as a sock? We take a look in today’s ghost. Er, post.

Advertising Tips

Right, with that out of the way let’s take a look at the ideation process within which the qualitative and quantitative blah yadda blah takes place in order to make idiots by stuff to wrap around their feet.

Get Completely Overexcited

Dog mistake badminton thing for sock. LOOOL!
Dog mistake badminton thing for sock.

We know a pet dog who gets a bit overexcited about many things, but he also has a bizarre fondness for socks. If you’re stuck advertising these foot gloves it’s perhaps best to imagine you’re a doggy who has just been handed the key to the sock cabinet.

Let us ascertain one thing, and one thing only; socks are the best thing in the world ever!!! To get this across use massive bloody great big adjectives such as “JEFFREY!!!” and “SANDWICHES”, whilst nouns and adverbs, such as “STUPENDOUS!” and “ROLLICKING!!!!!”, should also get a mention.

Don’t forget to go overboard on the old exclamation marks, too!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing says unadulterated excitement quite like exclamation marks!!!!! And don’t forget to end all your sentences with prepositions.

Cement

Thaz a lot of cement!
Thaz a lot of cement!

Point out to everyone that, when compared to cement, socks are much, MUCH better as foot gloves. Indeed, indicate how cement would make your feet go a bit weird and such if you slathered cement powder all over them. Indeed.

There’s nothing particularly wrong about cement but, in the context of this article and as a fashion statement in general, cement is a bit… naff. So a slogan such as, “Cement! Not As Good As Socks!” would certainly warm the cockles of many OHP’s (Overhead Projectors) hearts! You could also try, “Socks! Pretty Damn Ace, Unlike Cement!”

Buy One Get x Amount Free

"Buy these socks or die!"
“Buy these socks or die!”

And by “x” we mean “a vast amount”. Nothing sells better than free stuff, so if you sell one sock you should also be giving away several thousand to go with that initial one.

This looks catchy on posters, and we’d recommend Arnold Schwarzenegger for the TV adverts, “When you buy one sock, you get several thousand other socks free! I’ll be back!” And the radio advert, “If you don’t buy these socks I will terminate you.”

Spinach

Here's one we missed from yesterday's Fried Breakfast post. The spinach is in the top left of the plate. The socks are, sadly, AWOL.
Here’s one we missed from yesterday’s Fried Breakfast post. The spinach is in the top left of the plate. The socks are, sadly, AWOL.

Socks and spinach go together like cake and jam, as we all know, so it would be wise to use the green stuff as a means of selling off your socks. Slogans such as, “Got socks and gout? Keep the socks but rid yourself of gout by eating less spinach!”

Yes, spinach is very, VERY good for your but too much will give you gout. Other slogans could include, “Socks and Spinach – keeping you alive since 1500!” or “Socks and spinach a day will help you move, possibly get gout, and remain frostbite free all day!” The possibilities are endless!

Vitriolic Abuse

Sock Abuse is a growing problem in developed countries.
Sock Abuse is a growing problem in developed countries.

If all of the above fail then it’s desperation street (also known as Plan B). Shame your stinky sock customers into buying new socks. Run campaigns such as, “OI! YOU ****ING STINK!” and then have a nice picture of a nice sock looking nice.

Target the abject stupidity of your customers (and the public in general) and remind them that, unless they buy socks, they won’t be allowed to watch TV. Yeeeaah, that’ll get them! Scumbag proles!

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