It’s a violin special today, so we’ll start off with a basic description; the instrument looks like a violin (this is because it is one) and, when played by a talented person, makes a quite glorious sound the likes of which few other instruments can match. We’d put the piano up there but, really, the violin could well be the great musical instrument since thyme itself began. A statement like that would probably cause an ugly riot in the professional music world but, heck, we’re all about controversy here at Professional Moron! Behold; The Queen of England is a fuddy duddy. How do we have the nerve? Well, it’s a pure wit born out of a flagrant disregard for our safety. How brave of us, eh?
Anyway, violins should really be running the planet as, you know, things would be a lot better with them in charge of us all. Need convincing? Ho ho ho, challenge accepted you stupid readers, you! First of all imagine violins are sentient beings – a bit of nuclear fallout and we’d be there. Now, dear readers, join us on this merry journey into a tragically non-existent world! For England, James?
Or Volitics as it would be known. Any political situation can be decided by a duelling banjos kind of playoff – but with violins. Indeed, the screeching would be heard on all corners of the Earth whenever two mad gits went for it big thyme! So if it’s something as crushingly dull as, “Should the Norwich high street have additional signs indicating it is Norwich and not anywhere else?” you’d be able to whip out your violin and reel off Vivaldi’s La Follia. Then your oponent would be all, like, “Don’t even go there, girlfriend!” and he’d whip his violin out and thrash out some Paganini. The other voliticians would then vote which piece was performed best and, presto hey, you have Volitics!
You may have seen David Cronenberg’s A History of Violence with Viggo Mortensen. You may not have. Either way, in a world of 30ft high sentient musical instruments the film would become A History of Violins. This is just one in a giant list of many films which would have been so much better with this instrument having a prevalent role; Taxi Driver would become Violin Player, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest would become Violins Keep You From Going Crazy, Batman: The Dark Knight Rises would become Violinman: The Strings Have Snapped, Star Wars would, naturally, be Violin Wars. The list could go on forever but, you know, we do have other stuff to be doing. Use your imagination, dammit!
Violin based sandwiches would be a bit difficult to eat (being filled with wood and string) but at least they’d have EPIC names such as Ham and Hadyn, Veal and Vivaldi, Beef and Beethoven, Pork and Pachelbel, Dirt and Dvorak… you see where this is going. Of course a nice name doesn’t always translate into nice food (wood and strings) but, you know, you really can’t have everything in this world. Unless you’re Superman.
Violins are pretty useful as a self-defence tool as you just whack it around someone’s head and leg it one. Pretty nifty. However, just imagine the brilliance of a musical war! Two armies battling it out with bassoons, trombones, pianos, violins, cellos, drums, guitar, triangle, and the oboe. It would be amazing! The trenches would be filled with everyone tuning up for a big battle, snipers would use the harp to lure in unsuspecting victims. Now war is a hellish thing and we’re pacifists here at Professional Moron, but if it has to happen let it be through artistic means!
Absolutely everyone would grow up to be a violinist. There are drawbacks to this as, unless you were a genius, few people would stand out as violinists anymore. However, the music created would make up for it. Just think how many folk out there have a stunning ditty in them, yet they could never be arsed taking up the violin, or it never entered their thick skull to try! So, Mandatory Violin Lessons would bring forth the glory. I say, madame! I say.