Okay, we were getting a bit fed up of doing things for our In Praise of section as, frankly, we’re utter misanthropes hell bent on seeing the annihilation of the Earth and its inhabitants. *Snort* We jest, we just want to rant about dodgy things for a change, so what better way to do this than to have a go at an ancient “sport”.

At sports day back when we were nippers, 20 years back, we’d often be put through the crushing infuriation of the Egg and Spoon race – this, it seemed, was purely for the amusement of the vacuous parents. OR! Maybe there was some sort of government conspiracy in action to see if everyone’s neurological functioning was in order? In which case, what better way to test it than by making everyone balance an egg on a spoon?

The Egg and Spoon Race

You’ll notice this event hasn’t been featured in the official Olympic list to date. It would be worth watch just to see 10 ridiculously buffed up, steroid pumping, vain blokes making a mad 100m dash with an egg balanced precariously on a spoon, biceps bulging and stress veins throbbing as they try and deal with the intense strain.

Indeed, we’d pay good money to see that. But, of course, this is never going to happen. Ever. Instead, each new generation of children will have to become mighty annoyed with their abilities as they see their egg slipping off their spoon onto the floor. Why it would be more appropriate to just pelt the egg at your teacher rather than face such ignominy. Still, we got to thinking… what other ridiculous sports could we invent? Read on to find out, good sir/madame!

Why, t’would be more appropriate to just pelt the egg at your teacher rather than face such ignominy. Still, we got to thinking… what other ridiculous sports could we invent? Read on to find out, good sir/madame!

Cat Cooing

Like many people in the world, here at Professional Moron we have an utter infatuation, and adoration, for cats. Why, we could sit for hours staring at cats doing cute stuff whilst cooing like the morons we are. Indeed, someone (vague, eh?) even commented recently that thousands of years ago the Egyptians painted, and stared at, pictures of cats.

Now, in contemporary thymes, we take pictures, and then stare online at, pictures of cats. And that’s a lot of commas! SO! This sport would involve the leading of several hundred cats onto the school field; participants would then stand around cooing, and the most idiotic, fervent looking lunatic would win the medal. Ace.

Caber Eating

Caber tossing is a traditional Scottish event which could do with a revolution, frankly. Thusly Caber Eating will see athletes lining up to consume a caber as quickly as possible. The last person to die of wood shaving overdose would be the winner.

Finding A Needle In A Haystack

It’s an ancient proverb as old as thyme itself, but has anyone ever actually tried to find a needle in a haystack? We think this would make a thrilling, if rather protracted, event! Half a dozen players would be dumped onto a haystack and then the needle would be randomly dropped! COMMENCE!

The Steroid Olympics

Eddie Izzard once mentioned the Stoned Olympics in one of his stand up shows, but as Performance Enhancing Drugs (PEDs) have afflicted many sports, why not actually run a PED Olympics so everyone can post outlandish results? It would be amazing, plus we’d have the benefit of already knowing everyone’s smacked out of their brains on steroids!

Extreme Coughing

This one’s a bit disgusting but, you know, it’d probably be a laugh. Contestants would gather in a room and, one by one, proceed to demonstrate the most repugnant, disease encroaching hacking and rasping they can possibly manage. The one which is most nausea inducing would take the spoils.