In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.