Why You Must Not Sit On Tree

You heard the sign, don’t sit on tree, dammit!

So why should a person “Not Sit On Tree”? We’ve been thinking this over thoroughly and we’ve come to realise there are many, MANY reasons why sitting on tree would be horrendously dangerous for human being and tree alike. For a start there’s always the threat of it being a bit windy, in which case if you sat yourself down you’d more than likely be whipped up by a mini-hurricane and dumped several hundred miles away from where you need to be. Always annoying that, innit?

Still, we got to thinking… just what other stuff should you not sit on? Well we can think (and did thunk) of a good few many hundreds of things and, in the end of the day, what it boils down to is we whittled it reet on down to about 5. In fact, exactly five, things which you really, really, REALLY should not park your bonce on. You have been warned, comrades, so behave yourselves and your derriere will be saved. Huzzah!


A Soldering Iron

Look at that heat wave. Like a British summer in Skegness.
Look at that heat wave. Like a British summer in Skegness.

These things are ruddy hot, so we really don’t need to explain why sitting on one would do you no good. All the same, we will. You see, the searing hot heat would make your bum feel like it’s got a small section of the Sun slap bang on it. Cue high pitched shriek and patting of on fire arse. A damn shame, they were nice jeans, too! Bah!

A Rapper

"I is so cool I just wet myself."
“I is so cool… I just wet meself. Oh dear, now I fouled myself an’ all. Mofo.”

Rappers are unpredictable, dangerous, insane, gun toting, and (worst of all) the producers of the worst music in the history of time. As a consequence, if you decided to sit on one, then you’d have to listen to their vacuous warbling about growing up “on the streets” and being “dissed by me biatches”. Never mind how millions of normal people can grow up on the streets without gunning other people down, or resorting to rap music as a means of expression, but… well, some people just have a brain.

You’d also be precariously perched on the rapper’s baseball cap (facing backwards, or angled), and you’d have to endure mindless hours in the gym in order to hone down your macho bravado. Plus all the mindless, superfluous profanity. So, no, we can’t see this being a pleasant endeavour.

A Reliant Robin

This is a regular scene on the roads of England.
This is a regular scene on the roads of England.

Or, shouldn’t that have been, *giggle snort guffaw* the Unreliant Robin! Lolz buckets!  Yeah, you don’t want to sit on one of these things as they have the habit of, you know, falling over. They’re fairly sturdy so you can flip them numerous times (anyone who has seen Mr. Bean can attest to this) but, and call is picky if you want, we prefer vehicles what don’t go and roll at any given moment. Especially if you’re parked on top of it in a yoga position.

Ruud Gullit’s Hair

Impressive hair, non?
Impressive hair, non?

It’s nice hair so don’t go messing it up now, you hear?

And finally…

On The Edge Of This Cliff In Norway

You call that a cliff? THIS is a cliff!
You call that a cliff? THIS is a cliff!

Now some mountain climbers like to push the limits. Most normal people have a bit of a fear of heights and wouldn’t sit precariously on the edge of this cliff, even if you paid them. So… what would you do? You’d not sit on the edge of the cliff, dumbass! That’s what. You’d better thank your lucky cows that Professional Moron are here to direct you in all these matters.


    • Mercy buckets, Kara’s Theory… what is your theory? One of ours is that the universe is actually a giant baked potato. We call this postulation the “Giant Baked Potato Theory”. We don’t have any evidence to back it up at all but, you know, since when has that ever stopped anyone?


Dispense with some gibberish!

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