How To Have a Conversation About Eggs

“I are egg!”

On the way to work this morning, Mr. Wapojif overheard three teenage girls having a (very loud) discussion about eggs. They love them – in certain variations. One loves omelettes, the other doesn’t, likening it to a “giant fried egg without the good bit”. This being the yolk, presumably. Boiled eggs were discussed for 10 solid minutes, whilst “Cup Eggs” (!?) were thrown about in the conversation with wild abandon. The subject then moved to the availability of food at college, including the fact there were crisps available to purchase. One then took a liking to hash browns, and stated she wanted a “giant hash brown” with alphabet spaghetti hoops on top, and melted cheese. As the vehicle we were on went by a Subway Sandwich store, attention turned to this. One teenage girl noted she would, “absolutely annihilate a breakfast balm”. This swung the conversation around to bacon and sausages, before the girls alighted aforementioned vehicle. The whole debate lasted for over 30 minutes.

This got us thinking about eggs as well. We’re fond of eggs a great deal. Boiled eggs and soldier toast men things, omelettes with bizarre fillings (marmite), cous cous, kedgeree… erm… that stuff what goes on cakes. Marzipan! We remembered. Yeah, so for egg based conversations to wow your friends and family with, read on Macduff!

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Albert Einstein.
Albert Einstein.

An obvious conversation starter, and an idiotic piece of psychological claptrap. It’s sexist, as well. And racist. In fact, anyone who asks this question should be punched in the face immediately by Albert Einstein lookalikes. It’s pretty obvious what existed first, anyway – cake. Cake makes the world go round. Whoever denies this is a Hippy and a Communist.

When will someone invent Egg Soup?

Will you take up the challenge, Miss. Chick?
Will you take up the challenge, Miss. Chick?

A great conversational point; why doesn’t Egg Soup exist? It’d be awesome! Obviously, if you don’t like eggs, you’re not going to have a great meal, but if you LOVE eggs then you’re sorted. We think Egg and Spinach Soup would work. Egg and marmalade? Probably not. Egg and Spam. We could go on all day, we thought we’d just throw this one out there.

What was up with Humpty Dumpty?

A 1904 version of Humpty. NB: Most of us were dead in 1904.
A 1904 version of Humpty. Additional: Most of us were dead in 1904.

Nowhere in the rhyme does it state Humpty is an anthropomorphic egg, but for some reason we all think he is. Egg propaganda from Communists, probably. Anyway, more pertinent is the issue thusly: why was Humpty Dumpty sitting on the wall? Was he trying to get piles? Was he some hoodlum causing trouble? Did he call the King a “poohead” so all the King’s Horses and men went mental and tried to mash him up a bit? Discuss.

Marzipan is a Misnomer 

A marzipan cake, displaying two human adults prior to a boxing match.
A marzipan cake, displaying two human adults prior to a boxing match. This is what we presume’s happening, anyway.

If you were/are unfamiliar with the word, it looks like “Mars in a pan”. On a scientific level, we must state it’s not possible to fit the planet Mars into a frying pan. Unless you built a really massive one. According to our sauces, Mars has an orbital eccentricity of 0.093315, which makes it pretty damn eccentric. Certainly mad enough to agree to frying itself with the biggest frying pan known to humanity. Thus, consequently, Marzipan would exist. Do you agree with this hypothesis? Discus.

Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch

"Cor bloimey, if you touch me eggs ah'll smash yer fuppin' face in, guvnor!"
“Cor bloimey, if you touch me eggs ah’ll smash yer fuppin’ face in, guvnor!”

Would England’s Greatest Living Thespian agree to the Eggs Benedict name change? Who gives a damn what he thinks, this should be the norm in British restaurants!

To be honest, we wrote the first bit without realising this was an American dish. According to our sauces, Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch is an, “American breakfast dish that consists of two halves of an English muffin, topped with ham or bacon, poached eggs, and Hollandaise sauce.” So, there you go readers, never presume anything. Still, imagine the thrill of having a gimmicky restaurant playing this up! You’d have some poor waiter dressed as Khan serving you Eggs Benedict Cucumberpatch, and you’d shreek with delight and insist you post at least 30 pictures on Instagram. Hoo, yeah! Do you agree? Disqus.

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