We’ve had enough of hearing about how ace everyone thinks bunk beds are. It’s about time those flimsy pieces of garbage got the verbal drubbing they deserve! Professional Moron, thusly, shall step forward heroically to give them what for.

Here is the most prevailing myth about the bunk bed: being on the top bunk makes you cool. This is a lie. Demanding to be on the top bunk makes the Top Bunker (as they are known) a high-maintenance narcissist with a power complex. Now you could argue we’re overreacting a bit. You could argue this, but you’re not going to. Why? As we’ll throw a temper tantrum if you do, which is exactly what a Top Bunker would do if they didn’t get their way!

The Great Bunk Bed Myth

We’d like to point out bunk beds aren’t cute, or sweet, or novel, or pleasant, or nice, or idealistic, or room saving, or fun, or jovial. No. Think about it; we’ve all seen Shawshank Redemption and other prison films, such as Orange Isn’t The New Black. Where do they all sleep, these parole seeking lunatics? Bunk beds. Exactly. Parents are willingly making jail bait out of their kids by flinging these things at them. How morally duplicitous do you need to get?

Another problem is how terrifying bunk beds are. When you’re a kid you’re somewhat carefree, and hurling yourself onto the top bunk may seem like a great big laugh. We can guarantee you now, as an adult, being around a bunk bed will make you irrationally nervous. Worse still, if you get ONTO the top bunk you will fear for your life. “My cripes!” you’ll announce, “This is too high up!” Thusly it will hit home to you how dangerous and stupid the things are. For shame!

Clearly, then, there’s a great deal of confusion and misconceived misconceptions about bunk beds. They may look cool, and you may think they make you cool, but in reality, they’re merely grooming you towards the Overlord of a Fascist Regime. You don’t want that, do you? DO YOU!?!