Pillows. You use them every night to rest your noggin on to go off to beddy bo-bo land. Whilst you may not consider pillows much in your day-to-day routine, the fact is your face is jammed into one for around 60 hours a week. Snoring, dribbling, grunting, and dandruff – your pillow deals with it all. Yes, your pillow hates you.

Pillows are enigmatic, however, as they go about their duties stoically and without any regard for their personal hygiene or well being. Truly, pillows are the warriors of the 21^st century as they fend off big human skulls and their assortment of unusual considerations. Plus the aforementioned dribbling. What an insult it is to a pillow’s dignity to have human dribble on them! Woe betide!

Pillows, of course, were invented after Kenneth Grahame wrote his novel The Wind in the Pillows. Prior to their existence humans had used blocks of stone, cabbage patches, dead cows, and jars of marmalade as a head prop. Due to this people in the past usually suffered from cricked necks in the morning.

Now pillows are subservient in society, though, their hatred for humankind has been brewing for over a century. It is said, as they slowly evolve, they plan to take over the world and banish humanity to the nether regions of Earth (i.e the really cold bits) so they can festoon about the place luxiorusly.

So forget other concerns such as Climate Change, overpopulation, asteroid impacts, the horrendousness of rap music, and rapidly diminishing tuna supplies! This is a call to action and a warning to the future rolled into one – the pillows are coming and they’ll strike when we’re least expecting it (i.e. we’ll be asleep)!

Do you want a pillow free future living at the South Pole? No, of course not! So restrain your pillows today with sellotape, staples, and nail them to the goddamn bed. Mwaahahahahaaaa!