Crisps. Crispspspspsppspsssssss. It’s impossible to say “crisps” without holding onto the end of your words. This makes one look a bit stupid, you know? Of course it’s not the same if you say “crisp” because it’s plural, so you just reel it off like you’d real off a reel. That’s when it’s about keepin’ it real, you snow?

Crisps themselves are hellish things. Extremely tasty and moreish, they’re renowned for making thin, fit people gain around 30 stone per bag of crispsssppssssss. Who would submit themselves to such a hellish torture?!

How were these abominations to health created? Rumour has it a dimwit chef was using an egg slicer (one of them things below), but was so daft he started slicing potatoes with it. This led to the mighty crisp, which was soon fried alive in fat and covered in a bucket of salt.

There are numerous theories as to why crisps are called crisps. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact crisps are quite crisp. You snow? Like when you bite into them one doesn’t report afterwards, “Jesus H Christ, that were really soggy!” No, you report, “Bloody hell! That was crisp. So crisp I almost shredded my mouth to smithereens!”

Sadly this was all too commonplace in the early years of the crisp. They was so crisp your average crisp enthusiast would crunch down on some and immediately become exsanguinated. This is where the “sssssssssss” sound came from with crisps, as societies became terrified of the things and would only whisper about them in furtive undertones. Such as, “Oi! Pssssssst. Pssssttttttt. Have you got any crisssppspspsppsppsssssssssssssssssss?”

This form of sedition was outlawed internationally in 1843 and replaced with good old fashioned Communism. So there you have it, crisps: hellish nightmare since day one.