Skinny jeans, eh? It’s emerged in the news that if one squats down in these Hipster friendly SOBs, one can shred the nerves in one’s legs. Bloody hell!

Actually, no. Not bloody hell. This is no surprise. For a start, to wear skinny jeans it takes some nerve. Naturally, the longer one wears them the more those nerves will be corroded away by feelings of stupidity and general lunacy. This is the Skinny Jean Effect. And by jean we don’t mean Jean, like the name (such as Jean Alesi).

Again, as with yesterday’s destructive noodle story, we didn’t make this story up. It’s on the BBC! The fact is skinny jeans have been given a health warning, and rightly bloody so! Not just to the people who wear them, but to the people who have to behold them in their abhorrent glory.

So now, in utterly absurd hyperbole, here Are 10 things skinny jeans do to humanity.

FEEL THE FEAR

1. Skinny Jeans Make Humanity A Prime Target For Alien Invasions

’tis but a sad fact, but when aliens look at humanity and see humanity in skinny jeans, they baulk. Not only baulk, but they do so (baulk) violently. Independance Day 2 is out in cinemas next year consider this a warning!

2. Skinny Jeans Were Invented By Communists

It’s not coincidence Stalin had an s in his name. Two, in fact! Just like skinny jeans!

3. Skinny Jeans Promote Mass Stupidity

Fact.

4. Baggy Jeans Are On The Endangered Species List

Back in the late ’80s baggy pants were all the rage. Where can you buy them now? Nowhere!

5. 74% Of Skinny Jean Wearers Are Actually Trapped In Their Pants & Too Scared To Speak Out

This is one of the most disturbing facts: many skinny jean wearers are stuck in their pants and can’t escape. Too terrified to speak out, it’s known at least 3,000 people have been wearing the same jeans since the start of 2015.