How To Peel a Banana Without Losing a Limb

Banana
Bananas!

As we all know, bananas are extremely difficult beasts. Not only are they tasty sugar packed bundles of joy, they come in a bundle which requires extreme precision to unbundle. Yes, we’re on about banana peels. Or, as they’re known in the banana trade, “the packaging”.

It’s amazing, isn’t it? A fruit which doesn’t need any packaging! This doesn’t stop supermarkets from packaging batches of bananas, of course, as supermarkets absolutely adore packaging everything and anything. By 2025 it’s believed customers will even be wrapped in packaging upon leaving the store! Now that’s futuristic.

Bananas, of course, serve much more of a purpose than slaking one’s hunger. They prove there is a higher order in the universe: only a benevolent deity would create something of such accessibility. Of course this benevolence was usurped by lunacy when the deity promptly invented the Tinned Gherkin, with its impossible to open tin. SOB!

You may think you’ve got banana peeling down to a b (for banana), but the sad reality is thousands of innocent citizens destroy their lives every day by inadvertently maiming themselves (or bystanders) with inappropriate banana peelage.

The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts to use your brain to open a banana. Think of The Men Whom Stare @ Goats and how the transmundane (as instigated by the deity, let us not forget) can work in your favours. Follow this nifty strategy and you will be gorging on mush before you know it:

  • Stare long and hard at the banana until you are at one with it.
  • Hear the banana’s voice enter your mind. It will say things like, “I’m a banana”, “I don’t want to be peeled, I’ll die!”, or “I’ve got my whole life ahead of me!!!”
  • Ignore its putrid whining and delve deep into the recesses of your brain – operate the “KILL!” switch and await the result.
  • If the banana then peels itself, you have completed your mission.
  • Bask in the glory of your murderous rampage (i.e. eat the banana).

On a final note, as bananas play a major part in the current Minions film, we include this clip about the banana. Enjoy!

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