Why You Should Totes Buy a Hamster Instead of a BB-8

BB-8 Droid.
The BB-8 toy (or droid), coutesy of Sphero.com!

The BB-8, which will apparently appear in the upcoming Star Wars films, sure does look super awesome. It’s controlled by an app and can do stuff like: roll about the place, shriek amusing obscenities, crack witticisms about daily life, rugby tackle prospective burglars, and entertain your pets by clattering into stuff.

It, allegedly, comes to learn stuff and develop as an AI driven robot and could (potentially) become a sentient being and, effectively, a new member of your belligerent family. Sounds too pointless to be true, right? There’s one big problem: the BB-8 costs some £129 ($150). SO! We’ve decided to postulate why a £10 hamster will be more worth your while.

BB-8

BB-8
Slobbering, pedantic Star Wars sycophants ahoy!

VS

Hamster!

Hamster
Our office pet – Keith!

We tested this thesis out in online comments sections and, naturally with the internet being the way it is, met with numerous caustic dismissals from internet sorts. Comments such as: “Hamsters involve effort – this doesn’t!” was (and were) the general consensus, along with the usual sanctimony and foul language.

Yes, owning lifeless electronic gadgets is much more worthwhile these days. Who gives a damn pets are capable of loyalty and love when you can have the latest massively overpriced fad technology? Mind you, at least the BB-8 won’t crap all over the place. Unless it learns how to or, through some poignant desire to fit in, begins dragging excrement in off the street to portray as its own.

Of course we must hasten to add owning a hamster gives one a sense of moral purpose – it teaches one discipline, manners, etiquette, and routine. This is especially important for children (also known as sprogs, brats, kiddie winkles, and “those things”). How long until a sprog gets bored of the $150 robot, smashes it, dribbles on it until it short-circuits, or throws it into your stupid face? Exactly.

The BB-8 will only teach your infant to be even more of a reprobate. Of course, we don’t have any evidence for this as the thing’s not even been released yet, but we’re deranged enough to simplemindedly go along with our delusional expectations.

Meanwhile hamsters are super cheap (Keith cost £10), adorable, loveable, fun, real, entertaining, cheap, fun, cheap, and reasonably intelligent. Almost above everything else they’re inadvertently hilarious in their clumsy, bizarre routines, so don’t be bullied by the capitalists into forking out £130 for the latest craze, only to see the BB-8 forgotten about within 3 months. The solution!?

Conclusion: Buy a hamster. NOW, DAMMIT!!!!

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