Exclusive Recipe: Gwean Tea (to curb your green tea addiction)

Green tea recipe
You ready to take on your green tea obsession?!

At Professional Moron we love green tea, although we prefer Assam tea with Vanilla (which is black tea) along with Pukka and Clipper’s range of herbal teas. Irrespective of our preferences, green tea still gets two thumbs up from us. Heck, we’ll stretch to two thumbs up and a cheeky wink!

The problem? Caffeine is addictive, apparently, and it’s advised consumers only indulge in five or so glasses of green tea a week. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, put this addictive premise to the test by drinking 335 glasses of green tea in 7 days. He subsequently turned green, joined the Green Party, aligned himself with Greenpeace, watched Soylent Green on a loop, wrapped himself in St. Patrick’s Day merchandise, and considered moving to Mars. He did this as he forgot the place is dubbed the red planet, not the green one.

Following this horrifying experience, Mr. Wapojif went about inventing a product to assist green tea consumers with ditching their healthy habit. How does one do this? By instilling new behaviours in the place of green tea consumption. How does one do that? Well, proffer up other fun, healthy habits, such as taking up smoking – who needs antioxidants when you can reek of tobacco?

Mr. Wapojif, a keen alchemist, took to his lab to brew up something special. The result is here: Gwean tea! It has been exclusively formulated to wean green tea addicts off green tea. Gwean tea has specific ingredients to instil other addictions into the imbiber, thusly nullifying their infatuation with green tea overconsumption.

Gwean tea is, through the brilliance of simpleton genius, crammed full of tobacco, gin, sugar, salt, chocolate, and candy floss in order to give it a sugary and dependence forming punch. Indeed, one sip and you’ll be hurtling to your nearest supermarket to binge on fast food and sugary confectionary goods!

A number of gwean tea’s vacuous critics have, caustically and with unfounded (although entirely accurate) scientific facts and reason, pointed out this is merely substituting a minor problem with far more destructive ones. Balderdash! Green tea, with its many health benefits and pleasant taste, has plagued civilizations for millennia! It must be replaced with something sleek, modern, stylish, and questionable in its health providing properties. It is the contemporary way of things.

With gwean tea as the solution, now is the time for you to act. It’ll be available in stores Q1 2016 at a price of £70 ($150) per box of 20 tea bags. You can also buy in bulk (UK citizens only) – £1,000 for 1,000 tea bags. Got tea? Go gwean!


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