Sushi is the type of food one eats if one is a sophisticated darling with the cultural refinery of Oscar Wilde, and the wit and charm of [insert world famous chef here]. It’s a precise type of food, dished up in a clinical fashion to deliver taste and health.

Fish are the birds of the ocean, flapping their fins like wings and swimming (flying) under water. They abandoned primitive squawking in favour of a vacant, fatuous expression on their vacuous, mindless faces, which means humans have to keep them as pets in a bowl rather than in a cage. *Warning* Dismal segue ahead: which doesn’t bring us neatly to our recipe – shushi! It’s pretty much like sushi,  but with a really, really heavy emphasis on shuuuuuuush.

As we discussed in our misophonia post, we’re rather against anyone making repulsive noises when consuming their food. This is why shushi was invented as it ensures folk remain as silent as voles during their culinary extravaganza. How does one achieve this? With borderline fascist disciplinary action, that’s how!

You, as the punter, take a trip to our restaurant and can only enter after agreeing to the following stipulations: you can’t utter a single word (especially if you choke on some food – just ride it out, dammit!) and if you don’t mind the presence of heavily armed guards. Seriously, they’re packing some terrifying weaponry!

Indeed, our restaurant is to be guarded by three dozen Aqua Force Aqua Blaster wielding bodyguards, all trained to the highest standards of dinner table etiquette. If a customer so much as grunts in a dissatisfactory manner, chews with their mouth open, burps, guffaws at volume, or slurps at their drink, they’ll be gunned down on the spot under a storm of water balloons filled arbitrarily with Bovril, marmite, or rabbit poo.

There’s also a sniper with a spud gun stationed on the roof – should somebody (such as, for instance, working class scumbags who don’t know any better) panic and leg it whilst still blatantly chewing on their food, they’ll be taken out with an expertly shot spud to the back of the skull. This could cause momentary anxiety for the individual, thusly enforcing new life skills into their minds through the fear factor.

This may all seem unnecessarily ridiculous but, we assure you, sometimes the stupid methods are the best. Just look at what “they” did in Argo! Anyway, and finally, some of our critics have said what we’re doing here isn’t a recipe at all, more of a bizarre food thought experiment type thing. For the sake of a pointless argument we disagree thoroughly, even though we do agree fundamentally.

So, if you’re still confused, shushi is the restaurant you go to where you’re forced to eat sushi in total silence whilst 36 toy gun toting psychopaths watch your every move. There will be no conversation, no “banter”, no eye contact, and absolutely no flirting! Book in advance, or you’ll have a stink bomb thrown at you.