Are YOU a hopeless coffee addict? Do you dribble uncontrollably, or have astonishing outbursts of rage, when missing your caffeine fix? Well, you cretinous individual you, today’s post will assuage your hopeless desires!

The modern world is all about personalisation. Like when you get junk mail about dubious virility enhancement products, for some reason “they” know to address these to Mr. Wapojif. Need a less disconcerting example? Okay, like when you get newsletters from companies you do like (in our case, Penguin Books, Waterstones, and Nintendo), they’re lovingly addressed to us. Aw, thank you guys! That’s so sweet, in a corporately engineered, technologically manufactured, spurious kind of way.

What are the ingredients?!

Folks these days go into Starbucks (we don’t – we only drink tea, as we’re superior to all of you) and they get their name written on a cup and this gets called out to the whole café (how do we know this happens? Thanks to Dave Gorman‘s awesome Modern Life is Goodish). Even if your name’s Mr. Fartypants, you’re getting your name called out. Proper hilariously embarrassing, eh?

If Starbucks personalise coffee cups, why don’t they personalise coffee recipes? This is why we’ve invented this: Coffhe. It’s like coffee, but tailored right down to a granular level with your gender. Don’t worry, we’re not raging misogynists! We’ve also invented Coffher for women! In the creation of these we had to rely heavily on sweeping gender generalisations, so hold on to your butts. This is going to be one anachronistic ride!

“What stuff do most men like?” thought Mr. Wapojif to himself. He came up with the following list. Stuff men like: sports, beer, swearing, “birds”, action movies with Bruce Willis and Jason Statham, going “phwoar!”, deodorant, mercilessly mocking their mates, and playing incredibly violent video games like Call of Duty.

Mr. Wapojif, being a man, can’t claim he knows how women perceive the world. He did watch Sex and the City (including the two films), though, so he feels like he has a solid grasp on contemporary femininity. Thinks he to himself, “What stuff do women like?” He came up with this list: clothes, coffee, perfume, beating people up with handbags, and yodelling.

I want Coffhe, but I also fancy a bit of Coffher

What Coffhe and Coffher do is take the tangible ingredients and mix them up into a tasty beverage. So in Coffhe you have bits of sports equipment mixed in with the coffee, along with beer, deodorant, and toenail clippings! For Coffher, there’ll be a very harsh and pungent aftertaste of Eau de Cologne to keep the ladies on their toes. Not just perfume, though, as there will be healthy doses of scraps of tawdry celebrity magazines and fake nails!

This all may sound like a positively disgusting concoction, but this is beside the point. Imbibing the beverage will make you secure in your gender, so shut it and get it down you! “But what happens if I’m a woman and I drink Coffhe?” you shriek. Well you’ll grow a great big Hipster beard, drink more beer, and engage in rampant football hooliganism, dear. Enjoy!