Being British, the Professional Moron staff is really great at queuing politely. In addition, nothing is more enraging than when somebody dares to jump a queue. Why it’s enough to positively send one through the metaphorical, and literal, roof!
Cucumbers may not seem to have any link to queuing in well disciplined lines, but this is about to change thanks to our latest recipe, the queuecumber! We’ve created it to make the rest of the world adhere to the UK’s inanely strict demands when it comes to standing considerately in line.
Cucumbers? Not buying it, mate.
Of course we had to spice the vegetable up a bit to make it more enticing – no one’s going to queue overnight to get their hands on a cylindrical vegetable! Let’s face it, most people don’t like vegetables, they’d rather sit around consuming fast food and taking Selfies as they, over time, inexorably become morbidly obese and foul smelling! Anyway, to liven up queuecumbers we inject them with a kilo of sugar to add some appetising, addictive oomph.
Another key problem we’ve had to overcome is on the marketing front. Let’s face it, many folk are going to struggle to spell “queue”. We don’t mean this in a snobby way, it’s just these people are exceptionally stupid. We all have spelling foibles though, such as understanding the difference between affect and effect. In this instance, it would badly affect our affectation of effectiveness in our pursuit of effective marketing effects to affect our target audience.
Anyway, how does one spruce up a cucumber advertising campaign? We’re going to run with a pioneering idea which has never been seen before on this here good Earth. It goes as follows:
Buy One Queuecumber, Get One Queuecumber Free!*
I’ll queue for that!
Of course you will, consumerist yuppie, that’s the point! The queuing aspect to this whole debacle… erm, we mean innovative business endeavour, is pretty straight forward. You will be forced at gunpoint to queue politely for days, at the end of which you will be handed one queuecumber priced at a reasonable £100 ($200), and given another for free!
It’s a pretty raw deal, but then cucumbers usually are raw. Why should queuecumbers be any different? But ultimately, and more importantly, what we want to remind our readers is this: queue properly, or you’ll never get delicious vegetable badness!
*Terms and conditions: Purchasers must be over the age of 30 to merit this generous award, and must not have any existing skin conditions, bigotry against vegetables, or be accidentally queueing to ask what time it is. The product, its associates (other queuecumbers), Benedict Cumberbatch, and Professional Moron, will not be held liable should you be inadvertently involved in a nuclear explosion whilst awaiting your foodstuff.