Exclusive Fruit: Sittingsumas (like satsumas, but with better English)!

Satsumas
The satsuma. Oi! You on the left, stop slouching!

Satsumas are great. If they were animals, they’d be hamsters. Why? As they’re hamster size, almost hamster shape, and they’re a bundle of super groovy fun. One thing which totally gets us, though, is the name. It’s bad diction, grammar, syntax, and photosynthesis, you know? Satsumas. Sat? Sitting! Gosh darn it, satsumas, get your act together!

This is why we’ve invented this: Sittingsumas! They’re genetically modified from normal satsumas, but with led weights in them to ensure they really do sit rather snugly on the surfaces they encompass. “Whoa hang on, does it really have to be led?! You do realise…” shut your putrid whining, fool. Geniuses are at work!

Satsumas which are now sitting? I don’t get it!

Of course you don’t, imbecile! Sittingsumas offer a non-slouching type of fruit. Unlike bloody bananas! Look at them, with their bent backs and dreadful posture. It’s a wonder they’re so popular! Then, of course, you have coconuts which are so undisciplined they can’t sit upright. Prop one up, and it will fall right on over like a puppy at a drunken puppy party.

Sittingsumas are different. Especially as they’re not only imbued with healthy nutritious led, but also as ketamine and growth hormones are injected into each and every sittingsuma in order to make the result as satiating as possible. Indeed, eat one of these things and your derrière will be left firmly rooted to one spot!

Do not panic when this happens – it is merely the toxic mixture of chemicals playing havoc with your body. Feelings of immense dismay, alarm, and horror will pass once you have passed out.

These sounds deadly! Where can I buy some?

As with most of Professional Moron’s inventions and recipes, the British government places severe health warnings and, usually, outright bans on the things we attempt to patent. As such, it appears sittingsumas may not appear on the market in 2015, 2016, 2017, or ever.

Due to this we have decided to make them available on the black market, and intend to grow them in the bathtub in Mr. Wapojif’s flat (don’t worry, he’s houseclean – he washes the thing once a week with environmentally friendly cleaning products). As the old saying goes, “When there’s a will there’s a way!” Please do have a will (preferably signed in the presence of someone called Will, such as Prince William) prepared before you go anywhere near one of our foodstuffs! They may be tasty but, my word, they’re rather lethal!

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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