In the build up to Christmas, we’ve once again signed up Santa Claus to provide us with an early Christmas newsletter! Want to know how his prep for the big day is going? Here’s the place to revel in the XMas cheer!
Be forewarned, Santa’s a tad more verbally abusive than is considered of him. In other words, in this newsletter he spills vitriol and bile on the world and reveals a few unsanitary habits. Santa’s down on his luck, you see, but don’t let that concern you. He’ll get those presents delivered, and if he can’t he’ll bloody well die trying! Let’s see what Santa’s been up to, kids!
Santa’s Exclusive Column of Good Cheer!
Hello. This year I have been sorely tested by my morbidly obese frame, gout, intemperate elves, and particularly by the idiotic reindeer I once called my colleagues. Rudolph is in a mental institute after he set fire to his nose as a “Protest against Communism”. I have heard from him since and his behaviour remains belligerent, as he has done things such as switch on the immersion heater even though he had no intention of taking a deep bath.
The other reindeer have abandoned their duties and fled to the city, where they are now high-flying earners with important sounding job titles. I’ve had to replace them, and I’ve gone for a controversial image change in going about this.
Santa’s New Recruits
I’ve decided upon a mixture of gazelles, giraffes, Rottweilers, and elephants in a bid to propel my sleigh around the globe in as impressively volatile manner as possible. It’s kind of like Noah’s Ark, but I’ve renamed it Santa’s Sleigh and attached warning signs to the bonnet as, dear Lord, this is one terrifying monstrosity to behold!
The idea is we’ll fly about the Earth making the most extraordinary din; Rottweilers barking and savaging any seagulls they capture mid-flight, elephants trumpeting in fury, giraffes thrashing about the place. Obviously I’m aware this troop is a grievous breach of animal rights, but I’m Santa. I’ve been abusing these rights for decades!
Santa’s Christmas Itinerary
The great news is I’ve kicked my whiskey habit, so don’t leave any booze out for old Santa this year! In its place I’ve taken up a more proactive hobby – Class A narcotics! That’s right, I’ll be speeding my way through Christmas this year on cocaine and LSD. What a trip it’s going to be!
The billions of presents I have assorted in my massive sleigh will be distributed in the most efficient manner yet this year! Thanks to the Santa Claus app, you can follow my journey around the globe and leave me kind messages after my visit! I ran a trial run in Chorley, England, and unfortunately this went rather badly as all I received was a barrage of homophobic and xenophobic abuse. In return, I’ll be posting cow manure down their chimneys! Take that, you blaggards!
Finally, as it is Christmas, every house I visit will receive a free gift. Millions of them, in fact! It’s my germs. I have the flu and I’ll be sneezing all over the place. I never wash my hands, not even after using the toilet, so enjoy your illness this Christmas you ungrateful bunch of fu [at this point we had to censor the newsletter as Santa went off on a 1,000 word rant about poor people and women, or “birds” and “totty” as he kept scrawling.]