Exclusive Recipe: Beams on Toast (like Beans on Toast, but with structural elements)

Beans on Toast
My word, it looks delicious! Tear it down and fricassee it fast!

Beans on Toast is a world famous recipe which merely requires two (usually, unless you’re one greedy SOB) pieces of bread and a tin of baked beans. It’s simple, concise, filling, sort of healthy, and it’s ideal for students and working class reprobates.

It’s a set formula you couldn’t add to for ’twas perfect… until now! Over the weekend, we invented Beams on Toast and we’re quite delighted about it. A beam is a structural element capable of bracing (through grunting and sweating) and withstanding a load above by abstaining from bending. Beams are everywhere – in your home, where you work, in the White House, or in the local chip shop down the road. Truly, the beam is a holy item – you’d live in a cave somewhere without the thing. This is why the beam would make an excellent ingredient in this latest recipe of ours.

Revolutionising Beans on Toast

Beams on Toast typically requires the need to hire a team of burly builders to demolish part of your home. You could also buy beams online, or at a local DIY store, or you could steal them from your neighbour’s home. Whatever, beams are typically fairly massive and you may notice your plate isn’t suitable for a gigantic wodge of wood. As a consequence, you’ll need a larger plate – we recommend adapting a desk into your new serving dish.

With these issues sorted, you’re gonna need a bigger batch of bread. A puny sliced loaf won’t stand up to the might of a support beam smacking down on top of them! The solution? Find, and purchase, several of the most enormous pieces of bread you come across in a shop (such as a bread shop), and toast them up in your oven, before referring them to your desk.

Once you’re ready, hoist a beam up and bring it smashing down on top of the bread you’ve arranged on your gargantuan plate. Garnish as you see fit, such as with black pepper, butter, or perhaps a dollop of marmite. Congratulations, you’re ready to feast on the world’s latest culinary delight!

Beams on Toast: Is it Tasty?

No, frankly, it’s appalling. No matter what you do to the beam it remains largely inedible. You can try what you want: dollop a load of honey on there, spice it up with sugar or cinnamon, but it remains disgusting. Worst of all, we lost several of our teeth, and received a really bloody nasty splinter, whilst trying to consume Beams on Toast. Outrageous!

On the plus side, DIY fans will certainly find this recipe of particular interest as it merges DIY with food. On the downside, it’s a highly expensive meal – beams don’t come cheap, which is why we suggest taking them from your building of residence. On the further downside, this leads to gaping holes in the roof of your building, which can lead to leak issues (rain) and lower temperatures. Also, if you take them from your neighbour’s property they tend to call the cops and what not. Which is a bummer.

Finally, we had an incident where a seagull accidentally flew through one of the gaps. It quickly became irate and attacked us as we attempted to consume our Beams on Toast which led to much panicked shrieking in the Professional Moron office (what’s left of it). Be wary of this hazard.

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