The Moon landings may be historic occasions for humanity but there’s long been the conspiracy theory they were staged as part of a political struggle between Superpowers. Being morons, we completely agree with most conspiracy theories. They don’t make sense and lack scientific reasoning, but we like to believe thinking from the heart is much more rational than using your brain to work stuff out.
As a consequence, we went and thought up 10 reasons to highlight why the Moon landings are most definitely rubbish and didn’t happen. You’ll find all of the following points well reasoned, intelligent, rational, and backed up by the latest physics based knowhow. Onwards, Macduff!
1. The Moon is made out of cheese
It would be physically impossible to visit the Moon as it’s made of cheese. Structurally, it would be impossible to walk on the thing. In addition, anyone visiting the Moon would be unable to leave. They’d gorge themselves to death on delicious free cheese, but as we know everyone who “visited” the Moon returned unscathed. An unlikely story!
2. The Moon is too boring to visit
Why would anyone want to go to the Moon? Look at it! It’s all grey and boring – that’s mouldy cheese. It’s far more interesting to go to Ibiza, get wasted, and throw up on a local’s head. Balls to furthering the reach and understanding of humanity, there are beaches to visit and cultures to tarnish!
3. Keith Moon owns it
Since birth, Keith Moon (by deed of his surname) owns all of the rights to the Moon and put a ban on humanity visiting the place in 1972. Now that Moon’s dead it’s impossible to override his stipulation, thusly ensuring we’ll never return to the Moon. Bloody red tape, eh?
4. Whose Moon Is It, Anyway?
There’s a very real possibility NASA messed up the initial Moon landing. Think about it – isn’t it strange they got it right first time around? In all probability, NASA screwed up and sent its astronauts to Jupiter’s Moons instead. Out of embarrassment, they’ve not admitted it since!
5. Buzz Aldrin? Neil Armstrong?
Hang on a minute, we’re actively supposed to believe dudes with the types of names you’d expect from an Arnold Schwarzenneger film landed on the Moon? “How was it for you, Buzz?” – “Gee, it was swell Armstrong!” ROLFMAO! Not likely, dude.
6. Space travel is impossible
We know for a fact space travel is a factual improbability. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, once attempted to travel into space by attaching fireworks to his feet. Upon igniting them he didn’t so much as lift off the ground, although he did manage to partially immolate his lower extremities.
7. But I’ve seen a spaceship take off!
Special effects, you gullible fool. If you’ve seen Leonardo DiCaprio take on a bear in The Revenant, computer wizards could cobble together a bit of smoke and sparks. Come on, haven’t you seen Thunderbirds?
8. Richard Nixon read the wrong speech
US President Richard Nixon had two speeches prepared in 1969 – one for Moon landing success, the other for Moon landing badness. Drunk on power, Nixon proceeded to address the nation with the wrong speech! Also, when the cameras stopped rolling, he began a lengthy diatribe about Hippies, Woodstock, and Jim Morrison’s beard. Such has fatuous stupidity shaped the text books of the subsequent decades. Innit.
9. Tom Hanks didn’t make it to the Moon
In the Ron Howard 1995 science-fiction film Apollo 13, starring Tom Hanks, Bill Paxton, and Kevin Bacon, Tom Hank’s character doesn’t land on the Moon. If two times Oscar winner and star of some of the biggest films ever, Tom Hanks, can’t make it to the Moon, then no man can.
10. Where are the alien invasions?
If we’d really visited the Moon, aliens would have invaded Earth by now. The moment humans step from this planet, the thousands of alien planets (who we’re in direct telepathic contact with) watching our every move will invade and wipe us from the face of time. As we’re still here, we can confidently claim the Moon landings were faked.