As summer begins to loom over the horizon like an enormous sweaty SOB, we turn our attention towards keeping cool. How does one typically achieve this? By wearing less clothing, drinking more water, and gaining more weight through the consumption of delicious chilled ice cream products. It’s going to be a fun one!
In Manchester today, we’re enjoying a 16 degree heatwave! For us, this is like the tropics. Thusly, what type of food can we consume to keep us cold but also help us develop a fantastic tan? We invented suntan lotion ice cream to mediate these needs, as mediate we must. These two ingredients famously don’t get along*, but like Rachel and Ross they’re destined to be united. Huzzah!
Suntan Lotion Ice Cream
The really fabulous thing about this ice cream is it doubles up as a suntan lotion. To do this, you simply combine vanilla ice cream with a great big tub of maximum factor suntan lotion. It really is as simply as this, although we also add in a healthy dollop of 10g of salt to even out the taste from, “Jesus… that’s disgusting!” to “Dear GOD! That’s really putrid!” Such details are important, you see.
You can smear the suntan lotion ice cream all over yourself to act as a suntan lotion. Alternatively, you can eat the ice cream to cover your innards with the lotion and protect yourself from the sun’s horrifying glare (get that pancreas and those large and small intestines a nice new sheen). It’s a 2-in-1 process which the marketing bods are going to love!
The added bonus here is if you work up a sweat after consuming suntan lotion ice cream (by, for instance, going for a jog in a sauna or strapping a hot water bottle to your forehead) the ice cream will seep out of your pores and provide additional protection without you having to lift a finger. What could be bad about this product? Nothing!
Warning: May Cause Brain Seizures
Whilst it’s advised by most reputable medical professionals not to consume suntan lotion, here at Professional Moron we don’t see any problem with it. We consider this advisable information inadvisable, as we like to push boundaries in life. It’s fun to take risks, and by risks we mean things such as jaywalking, picking your nose on public transport, and sneezing without covering your mouth.
Legally we’re obliged to indicate consuming this product MAY carry the risk of brain seizures, cardiac arrest, tennis elbow, gangrene, athlete’s foot, tooth decay, gout, and scurvy. To avoid these risks, do not consume suntan lotion icecream. However, if you don’t consume it you WILL be broiled alive in the baking summer heat… so choose your fate wisely, citizen!