Setting the record straight right off, we love hamsters. They’re adorable in their bizarre little ways (Steve the hamster is our current fiend). Strange beasts they most certainly are, but they bring a sense of balance to the world as they head off in pursuit of their favourite activities: acquiring and consuming food and running around in their wheels. Oh, and sleep. They like sleep.
They are, no question about it, pretty useless creatures when it comes to defending themselves. Other than their ability to store vast amounts of food in their cheeks, and a serious turn of speed when called for, they’re not exactly well equipped to fend off common predators such as great white sharks, Batman, sabre toothed tigers, marmalade, and toothpaste. So, just how has the hamster managed to survive for eons? Let’s find out!
Hamsters vs Existence
Okay, so one of their skills is they can breed at one hell of a rate and with great numbers in each hamster litter (or whatever it is). This is useful considering they’re about as effective at survival in the wild as a donkey left to amble about on Jupiter. Indeed, according to some reports they are rather scarce in the wild, and the species is in abundance primarily due to their popularity as pets.
Thusly, we postulate the little devils have avoided extinction through one of the most spectacularly intelligent forms of evolution ever: cohabitation with humans. They planned it all along, we can tell from the beady ferocity of their black death eyeballs. Truly terrifying to behold!
When presented to the scientific community in a thesis titled How Hamsters Will Destroy The World we were laughed at derisively. However, we must indicate the hamster is an evil beast. With its eyes (lifeless eyes, black as a doll’s eyes – Quint new about this putrid horror, you know) and all encompassing lust for good, mark our words – the hamster is here to move into your home and take your jobs. It’s modern immigration and it’s terrifyingly cute and furry.
The logical conclusion to all of this is hamsters probably aren’t even animals; they’re either aliens from outer space or Terminators beamed back from the future to mollify contemporary humans with an overwhelming adorability factor. This may have been lacking from Big Arnie back in the 1984 epic romantic comedy (“I’ll be back with flowers, darling!”), but the hamsters know how to ham it up until humanity meets its maker!
Well, if this is how us here at Professional Moron are to be eradicated from this here Earth, by diva-esque wee beasts that look like miniaturised grizzly bears with a penchant for pumpkin seeds and broccoli, we can hack it. We not only can hack it, we actively encourage it. Onwards, the hamster apocalypse! Onwards…