It’s not often food is bigoted, but in the case of turmeric it’s got a serious and abhorrent people against people who are called Eric. This is disgusting behaviour and we don’t condone it in the same way we refuse to sanction people who throw eggs at frying pans (you know the kinds – chefs. It’s just uncalled for!) like hooligans.

Why is turmeric, an otherwise healthy and fabulous spice, so set against the likes of Eric Cantona (a famous footballer and kung-fu guru), Eric Clapton (a guitar god), Eric Arthur Blair (better know as George Orwell), and Eric Bana (stubble-sporting film dude)? There are many theories we’ve invented, but only one we’re dead set on ranting about. Read on to find out more, Macduff!

Turmeric VS Eric

We believe the conflict began when turmeric was first named turmeric. As “turm” simply wasn’t sufficient, turmeric’s discoverers (presumably a load of people coincidentally called Eric) put “eric” in at the end following a bout of chronic narcissism.

Turmeric resented this and believed a name such as turmerin would have been better. Indeed, a fan of the film Erin Brockovich (which Eric Bana didn’t star in, nor did former footballer turned actor Eric Cantona), turmeric wanted so desperately to be named after its favourite media text.

It wasn’t, leading to turmeric resenting everybody called Eric for the rest of time. It’s a tragic tale and one which highlights the need to name things after people like Sir David Attenborough or Boaty McBoatface.

Tragedy has been the result. Hostilities began between turmeric and people called Eric at some point in time which makes sense (getting this theory of ours to connect on a coherent time scale has proven somewhat difficult). Turmeric is typically able to identify Erics when they, for instance, announce their name before consuming some of the spice. Something like this will land any Eric in hot water: “I’m Eric and I love turmeric, me.”

This would result in horrifying injuries. The enraged turmeric would coat the lungs of the consumer and force them to begin to snort, cough, and retch in a manner which is largely amusing to the casual observer. Indeed, such an outcome often warrant a casual “lol”.

An End To Bigotry

As bloody Lefties here at Professional Moron, we’re calling for peace between turmeric and anyone out there bearing the name of Eric. Indeed, this evening we invited Eric Cantona and a bag of organic turmeric to meet in a car park outside Old Trafford to settle their differences amicably.

Sadly, upon sighting the turmeric Eric Cantona performed a mid-air kung-fu kick on the spice which resulted in the stuff getting thrown into the atmosphere. Much sneezing and coughing ensued, further perpetuating the myth that turmeric is a spice of pure evil. Kind of like Ginger Spice, except without the singing abilities.