In Praise of the Window

Why windows are great
Look at them. Just look at them! NOW, DAMMIT!

Windows (let’s be clear here – the opening in a wall, door, roof, or vehicle, and not the operating system foisted upon humanity by computer behemoth Microsoft)  are pretty great and don’t get enough recognition for this.

Rarely do modern humans stop and announce loudly: “Gosh! That’s a really great window over there!” No, modern humans are too busy queuing in Starbucks, staring at their smartphones, and listening to gangsta rap to admire the window. Not us. No! We’re too busy being quirky and aloof so we, paradoxically, get the time to admire stuff you wouldn’t normally admire.

Antiquity & Windows

Historically speaking, windows were invented for a number of reasons. The Romans, bored of their homes and governmental buildings being besieged by insects and harsh environmental conditions, invented glass windows. Prior to this, windows had been made out of cow dung and dynamite which, obviously, led to some destructive incidents.

Over the passage of time, windows become more advanced. Cows and their dung became farming implements and windows were made out of this stuff called “glass”. This solid, clear stuff proved decisive in the history of the window, opening up the opportunity for the devices to become contemporised.

Modern Windows

Your contemporary window is a technologically advanced beast. Usually made out of glass and bits of plastic and stuff, they sit in your property keeping flies out and keeping you warm during the winter.

They also fend off hoodlums such as burglars (typically, working class scumbags) and ensure elements such as harsh weather conditions are partially controlled. Indeed, this kind of highlights the function of the window hasn’t changed much in thousands of years. How boring… should we really be praising this banality? Yes! YES! Because there’s double glazing!

Double Glazing

Double glazing is the combination of glazing doubled over. Glazing itself is like gazing at something but you need professional training to do it, whereas with gazing you just stare at stuff absentmindedly.

Double glazing is ubiquitous for most modern houses. They keep your house warm and ensures bats don’t fly in your bedroom at night. They’re also a burglar deterrent, but you have to attach fake birds to them to ensure real birds don’t accidentally bump into them.

TRIPLE Glazing?

In the window community, why has double glazing become the go-to total amount of glazing? It’s not very ambitious, is it? Where are the pioneering window companies eager to introduce triple or, shock horror, quadruple glazing into the mix?

Imagine how warm your home would be with treble glazing! Even in a nuclear explosion induced winter those bad boys would keep your living room warm and the hordes of rampaging, mutated donkey monsters at bay.

The Future of Windows

Well, it’ll be Windows 11, won’t it? Or maybe Microsoft will go back and make Windows 9 seeing as they didn’t to skip it for no apparent reason, although the 10 makes things more dramatic on a commercial level.

As for windows, well we can expect the giant leap to a society where you won’t need windows anymore. People will live in boxes of 9ft by 9ft and they’ll have a smartphone implanted in their brains, opening them up to a world of… not needing windows. Which will be a shame. Because they’re pretty cool.

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