5 Completely Irrational Reasons why we Hate Superman

Why we hate Superman
Bastard.

Superman may be a “good” sort of person but we’re fed up of his do-gooding ways. It reeks of a publicity stunt, frankly, rather than the acts of a man who has a genuine sense of compassion.

This sort of attention seeking makes us retch, so today we’re calling the man out and pinpointing the five things which we believe make him one giant SOB.

Why we Hate Superman

“Hate” is possibly too strong a word – despise is more suitable. It’s what Superman stands for which we have a problem with: being super. If he’s so “super”, why doesn’t he do something so astonishingly super there’s no need for super things anymore? It’s the paradox of the Superman and not even Christian Bale can save him from it.

Here are five other wings which we’ve noticed about him. With this post, we hope to sway public opinion towards considering Superman the dismal vagabond he well and truly us. Join us in our notional revolution!

1. He’s a Hippy

Any long-term readers of this blog will be aware we can’t stand hippies and their ilk. Superman is one – he embodies the kind of free-for-all, pacifistic garbage which has held humanity back for thousands of years. Supes? Stop taking a toke of your peace pipe and use your powers to destroy things such as queue jumpers, white bread sandwiches, and hippies.

2. Henry Cavill is too good looking

Jealously will get a man nowhere, which is why we’re not jealous of Super Hunk Henry Cavill. We merely despise his every mannerism and delightful, charming personality with the resentful bitterness one would normally reserve for a convicted apple thief (as in the vegetable, not the vast conglomerate).

3. He doesn’t know how to put on his underpants

Look at those yellow things he wears. Why does he need to wear them on this outside of his Superman pants?  He’s flying about the place doing super deeds and yet he looks like a toddler who can’t get out of his nappy. What sort of bizarre reasoning does he have for doing that?

4. He’s a Rampaging Narcissist

Narcissism is one of the curses of the modern world. Whether it’s Selfies or public nose picking, it’s odious and it should be banned. Thusly, we arrive at Superman and his insistence he uses “super” in his moniker.

Some things truly are super, with the Super Nintendo, for instance, being the finest example of super. Superman? Well okay, he can fly and that. That’s pretty super. Anything else? No, he has a problem with kryptonite and that’s about it.

This simply isn’t enough material to qualify anyone as “super”. Planes fly, but you don’t call them Super Planes do you? As you can see, Superman is, therefore, a degenerate.

5. He’s a Communist

Red cape? Check. Red chest logo thing? Check. Uh oh, Superman is a raving commie! Not that we’re against that, except, of course, it does make him the subhuman scum of the universe.

Perhaps this is why Superman considers himself great – he’s spreading propaganda across the world and his brethren laud him for it: “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a socioeconomic order structured upon the means of production and abstinence from classes, money, and the state.” Superman? Supermoron more like!

5 comments

  1. I have to agree. The problem with Superman is he’s so, well, super. That’s a plot-tension killer for a kickoff. Unless he runs into Dr Manhattan, of course. (If anybody asks me, ‘what super-power would you want’, it’s always ‘the one Dr Manhattan has’. Sure, it also made him look like a naked radioactive Smurf, but hey, who’s going to laugh at Dr Manhattan? Well, they might, but then he’d transmute them into an ocelot or teleport them to the other side of the universe or in the front row of a Jason Bieber concert or something.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think it’s about time someone invented Ineptman, or something along these lines. Harvey Pekar did a kind of layman comic – American Splendour. So something along those lines with radioactive smurfs would be amazing.

      Liked by 1 person

      • A friend of mine and I once invented a superhero with a specific power like this. It was caused when he ate some radioactive pinto beans. You can guess what he became very good at, and it was amazing the scenarios where this ‘power’ could be used to help people (for example, using the noise it made as a foghorn to save a ship in fog). We got as far as having some artwork and a T-shirt made, which I still have. Flatus Man. Actually, probably not so much inept as infantile, but hey…

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m guessing he became skilled at consuming pinto beans. Actually, I wrote an extensive post about Mozart and scatological humour – there’s a lot of turmoil in the UK right now, it seems we need it!

          Anyway, I hope your writing is going well, sir. The blogosphere needs your input. There’s a thing at Jupiter doing awesome things.

          Liked by 1 person

          • By Juno, yes there is! And I will look into it for sure. Any space probe that has to insulate itself behind 400 kg of titanium hits at least 1000 on the cool scale for a kickoff (it’s also well insulated from any effects of Flatus Man, though being an all-round good guy he might have wanted to help ‘propel’ it on its way with an unlimited amount of high-pressure gas, irrespective of what the resulting cloud did to the population of Tampa…)

            Liked by 1 person

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