Superman may be a “good” sort of person but we’re fed up of his do-gooding ways. It reeks of a publicity stunt, frankly, rather than the acts of a man who has a genuine sense of compassion.
This sort of attention seeking makes us retch, so today we’re calling the man out and pinpointing the five things which we believe make him one giant SOB.
Why we Hate Superman
“Hate” is possibly too strong a word – despise is more suitable. It’s what Superman stands for which we have a problem with: being super. If he’s so “super”, why doesn’t he do something so astonishingly super there’s no need for super things anymore? It’s the paradox of the Superman and not even Christian Bale can save him from it.
Here are five other wings which we’ve noticed about him. With this post, we hope to sway public opinion towards considering Superman the dismal vagabond he well and truly us. Join us in our notional revolution!
1. He’s a Hippy
Any long-term readers of this blog will be aware we can’t stand hippies and their ilk. Superman is one – he embodies the kind of free-for-all, pacifistic garbage which has held humanity back for thousands of years. Supes? Stop taking a toke of your peace pipe and use your powers to destroy things such as queue jumpers, white bread sandwiches, and hippies.
2. Henry Cavill is too good looking
Jealously will get a man nowhere, which is why we’re not jealous of Super Hunk Henry Cavill. We merely despise his every mannerism and delightful, charming personality with the resentful bitterness one would normally reserve for a convicted apple thief (as in the vegetable, not the vast conglomerate).
3. He doesn’t know how to put on his underpants
Look at those yellow things he wears. Why does he need to wear them on this outside of his Superman pants? He’s flying about the place doing super deeds and yet he looks like a toddler who can’t get out of his nappy. What sort of bizarre reasoning does he have for doing that?
4. He’s a Rampaging Narcissist
Narcissism is one of the curses of the modern world. Whether it’s Selfies or public nose picking, it’s odious and it should be banned. Thusly, we arrive at Superman and his insistence he uses “super” in his moniker.
Some things truly are super, with the Super Nintendo, for instance, being the finest example of super. Superman? Well okay, he can fly and that. That’s pretty super. Anything else? No, he has a problem with kryptonite and that’s about it.
This simply isn’t enough material to qualify anyone as “super”. Planes fly, but you don’t call them Super Planes do you? As you can see, Superman is, therefore, a degenerate.
5. He’s a Communist
Red cape? Check. Red chest logo thing? Check. Uh oh, Superman is a raving commie! Not that we’re against that, except, of course, it does make him the subhuman scum of the universe.
Perhaps this is why Superman considers himself great – he’s spreading propaganda across the world and his brethren laud him for it: “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a socioeconomic order structured upon the means of production and abstinence from classes, money, and the state.” Superman? Supermoron more like!