The key to badminton is the name. Let’s deconstruct its syllables, of which there are five: bad-min-t-on. If you want to be pedantic you can say there are four: bad-mint-on. We don’t like this one as it suggests mint is bad, which it most certainly bloody well is not.
From its name, one would believe one must be bad to be good at badminton. This is known as a paradox: a proposition which doesn’t make sense. To be good at badminton, you have to be bad? Not exactly, but yes in its entirety. The worse you are, the better the chance you’ll beat somebody? Yes. So how does one scrape the lower echelons of ineptitude? Let’s have a look.
How to NOT be Bad at Badminton
We guess a better title for this post would have been How to be Good at Badminton but, well, we’ve committed to that one now and we’re simply too lazy to update the thing. We’re also, admittedly, severely confused about whether you have to be bad or good at badminton. We believe, due to the name, you have to be bad. So, that’s where we’ll start!
1. Be Bad
We’ve generally found the less mobility you have, the worse you’ll be at badminton. So to be a great badminton champion, you may want to lose a few of your spare limbs. It’s okay – they’ll grow back afterwards.
There are numerous ways you can go about achieving this, such as purchasing a chainsaw, getting into a fight with a great white shark, or walking off a building. Whatever, it’ll be agony but it’ll be worth it to reach the history books.
All of the aforementioned activities will likely induce limb loss, which will significantly reduce your ability to perform badminton properly.
2. Be Mint
Being mint at something means you’re great, which is kind of confusing when merged with the whole “bad” thing established. It takes skill to be bad, of course, so perhaps have a cup of mint tea before heading out onto a badminton court to deliver some mint badness.
Holding your badminton bat the wrong way, dribbling uncontrollably, fouling yourself, sobbing uncontrollably, shrieking hysterically, grunting – all of these techniques are classed as mint bad acts in the world of badminton. Let them serve you well in your quest for glory.
3. Be a tonne
Bad-min-tonne. This is a clear indication you should endeavour to become morbidly obese to ensure you’re as lumbering and idiotic as possible whilst playing badminton. And why not? We’re sick of how graceful and accomplished sportsmen and women are.
It’s a disgrace and not representative of the rest of the planet – most of us can’t climb a staircase without dislocating a shoulder blade, make breakfast without shattering a limb, or blow one’s nose without losing an eyeball.
Thusly, it’d be nice to see a sport on TV where people are just rubbish at something and it’s great to celebrate that. It’d really help everyone’s self-esteem. You know?
Play badminton if you’re an idiot, inept, and generally haven’t got a clue what you’re doing in life. Heck, that’s why you’re reading Professional Moron, right? Congratulations! You’ve found the right sport to further add to your daily dose of stupidity.