After we levelled some contempt at white bread yesterday, today we’re praising lovely, sunny, shiny, glorious, uplifting, muddy brown bread. Brown bread is, of course, the colour of brown, which is reminiscent of such thing as ladders, hair, brown bread sandwiches, Mr. Brown from Reservoir Dogs, Derren Brown, Ian Brown, and Sigourney Weaver (due to the terrifying nature of some of her films).

Brown bread is, of course, about much more than inducing fear into people. Indeed, brown bread shouldn’t be feared by anyone, but suggest to, say, a particularly dimwitted person to switch from white bread to brown and they will verbally abuse you and assault you with a crowbar (or a crow – whichever crow based object they find first). How can we change this distressing state of affairs? By leading the way and evincing the qualities of brown bread!

Brown Bread is Best

Back in late 2005 and up to June 2006, Mr. Wapojif was living with 5 other guys in a house in Nottingham. The uni years! One of those guys, let’s call him Gertrude, was a hard-boiled Northerner with a propensity for homely local talk and a preoccupation with “normal” Northern things.

Consequently, in Gertrude’s mind, he’d developed the notion of white bread being “normal”. Full fat milk was also normal, but anything which swayed away from his specious reasoning was a cause of some consternation for him. This led to things such as brown bread being dubbed as “gay”.

Mr. Wapojif put this to the test last night but flirting quite outrageously with a loaf of brown broad. The result? Stoic indifference…. one could, in fact, almost describe it as entirely unresponsive, as if the thing wasn’t a sentient being. Most strange. Regardless, we concluded the loaf wasn’t interested in Mr. Wapojif’s advances and suggested it try online dating.

Why Brown Bread is a Catch

Although the whole carbohydrates thing is up in the air like a drunken reveller’s arms (good simile, huh?), if you’ve got to eat bread you should at least go brown. Why? Well the wholemeal thing is, apparently, better for you. This is important if you want to reach the grand old age of, for instance, 170 (perfectly achievable in this day and age).

Indeed, with the retirement age (in the UK, at least) now at 90+, it’s a fantastic opportunity for workaholics to provide over 70 years of their existence to fueling the capitalist market with their opinions on Excel spreadsheets, quarterly gains, and the merits of brown bread with houmous over white bread with margarine.

The former will provide you with a lifelong capacity for indulgent debates and corporate wrangling. The result? Wealth! Grandeur! Indifference to everyone else! The latter will ensure you end up bloated, gout-ridden, and poverty stricken.

Indeed, you’ll have to be on the cheapest possible version of Netflix and own a smartphone with only 8GB of data stroage. God… that’s, like, appalling… it’s like a fate worse than white bread.