Exclusive Recipe: Spaghetti Soup (for those who love bland stuff)

Spaghetti soup
If you like soup and spaghetti, you’re on to a winner here!

Spaghetti is one of those things you just know about. Wherever you are in the world, such as lost in the depths of the Amazon rainforest, all you need to do is find some primitive locals and, in your dishevelled state, roar “Spag boll!” Within five minutes they’ll have a bowl before you, which you can consume with considerable gusto.

The bolognese part will do you no good today, for we are pursuing the mighty spaghetti. The weird thing about this type of pasta (and pasta in general) is it’s bloody bland if left alone. Yet, when mixed with foodstuffs such as sauce, spices, and herbs, it becomes a dish worth consuming. Today, we’ve decided to eradicate such extravagances in favour of bland. Why? As, when done properly, bland can be glorious!

Spaghetti Soup

Consumers are surely fed up of fantastical things by now. Right? Mascarpone sauce? Whatever, sometimes pasta should be left alone – it’s the goddamn nanny state at it again, telling us to use sauces to make life better. We, for one, are sick of the state telling us how to live. If we want bland, we’re going to bloody well do bland!

Thankfully, spaghetti and boiled water is about as bland as you can get. This is one of the many wonders of this recipe – it’s humble. There are no bombastic claims here. Indeed, no bombs went into the making of this dish at all! It’s just good old plain water in a pan and some around 300 bits of spaghetti.

The trick to making this as monotonous as possible is to overload the pan with spaghetti. This is easy to do as when one first adds spaghetti in it’s pre-boiled phase, it’s bloody difficult to tell the exact amount you’ll need.

As a result, simply add several massive handfuls into a big pan of boiling water. As it swells up, you’ll notice with great alarm as your pan fills up with an excessive amount of the stuff. Never fear, you’re on the right path – even if your pan begins wildly overflowing with water and your kitchen hob starts spitting, scalding, and steaming like crazy, just ignore the stupid thing. Dinner is almost ready!

Taste Test!

Once you’ve dished out your meal to your expectant and hungry family, sit back and bask in the glory of dissatisfaction. Little Johnny may turn his nose up at it, but simply cuff him violently about his head and threaten to take away his PS4 and burn it unless he consumes his dinner. Add:” Shurrup, Johnny! Get it ate!” for good measure.

A bowl of soggy spaghetti and plain boiled water is, of course, pretty gross, but in a post-recession society what can your family expect? A much more flavoursome tin of cheap baked beans?! LOL! Don’t be delusional. In terms of adversity, one must be as bland as possible.

Of course, this isn’t really a “soup” as it were. It’s just pasta in water. Hwever, such realisations are pedantic and we’re not in the mood for that – simply consume your dinner with your family and be bloated and grumpy about it afterwards. These are lean times – you can return to your lean steaks once the economy isn’t quite so lean.

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