As we’re such insightful sorts here at Professional Moron, we’ve decided to start an Agony Aunt column to help you fend off those existing induced blues.
This will, in part, complement the dating columns we occasionally run, as we expand the reach of our blog and spew forth our irrational advice.
If you have any perplexing issues, do send them into us and we’ll use our remarkable stupidity to stumble our way to a psychologically irrelevant solution.
Indeed, to kick things off, one of our readers has an issue with the dreaded Pokémon GO! Seems like her boyfriend is being an insensitive git – let’s correct this problem once and for all.
Agony Aunt: Pokémon WON’T GO!
"Dear Professional Moron. For the love of God, HELP ME! My dung beetle* of a boyfriend has become addicted to Pokémon GO! He never pays no attention to me no more! Even when I threaten to punch him in the face with an axe he just snorts at me and says "Don't be stupid, babe"!!!!! WTF?! I mean literally WTF should I do?!" Jessica
Hi Jessica! Firstly, welcome to the official Professional Moron Agony Aunt column! Rest assured, your mental and physical wellbeing is a reasonably high priority of ours.
However, do note we have a general desire to come across as more intelligent than you, so we’ll be belittling and condescending throughout this response.
Our readers should ignore this previous statement, otherwise it may diminish the emotive and didactic nature of the following “advice”.
Violence is NOT ALWAYS the Answer
Jessica – brutal violence is not the answer (except when it is, such as if someone has stolen your favourite hat).
Whilst smashing an axe over your boyfriend’s skull may seem like an excellent and sensible short-term solution, ultimately it will worsen your situation.
Why? As it will, of course, mean you won’t receive any attention from your boyfriend at all following this occurrence.
How come? Well, as you will be incarcerated and he will be stone dead. Is that what you want, silly girl? Of course not. So snap out of it, you psycho bitch!
How to Win his Heart
Now we’ve established brutal murder is not an option, perhaps try a few of the tactics we’ve contemplated below. You may find one of these is the answer to your Pokémon related woe.
You’ll cure his addiction whilst simultaneously helping him fall head over ankles in love with you all over again.
- Smash his goddamn phone – with no iPhone, the SOB can’t play the game!
Okay, so that’s just the one solution, but we consider it a pretty effective one. No phone? No game. No game? No playing it. It’s a solution which satisfies everyone forever more, paving the way for you to live in eternal bliss.
What? Well, if he buys a new phone, you can either leave him for a better man (such as a guy who prefers Alto’s Adventure – what a game that is!) or you can glue his hands to his face, thusly rendering his arms pretty useless. You’re welcome, Jennifer!
* As this is a family blog, we changed Jessica’s use of profanity from “son of a bitch” to a milder jest for the sake of good common decency.