Exclusive Invention: The Bath Mutt (like a bath mat… but not)

The bath mutt
This loyal mutt will be your brilliant bath mutt.

Most of us use a bath mat in our lives to ensure we don’t step out of our bath or shower unit, slip, and smash our skulls face first into something like the toilet bowl or your dirty old laundry. Indeed, it’s estimated the bath mat has saved at least 100 million lives since it was invented (whenever that was). Why change a perfect formula?

Why?! As innovation can breed success, in the same way breeding dogs leads to dog breeds! We’re not suggesting you can breed a range of dogs until you get one that resembles a bath mat, but what we are suggesting is a dog would be a user-friendly version of a bath mat. It’s a brilliant invention and one which we’re here to wax lyrical about!

The Bath Mutt

Buying a bath mutt is a bit like buying a dog, in that it’s exactly the same. The only difference is the dog will be fully trained in the ways of being a bath mat (by us, the dog “experts”). Naturally, you’re not going to be able to stand on the dog as this would be cruel, but the dog will function as a fully working bath mat.

To fulfill its destiny, it will stand by your bath and wait for you to finish. Upon alighting from your water based unit, you will be able to rub your feet against the bath mutt’s fur, thusly drying your lower extremities and providing a safe exit from the unit.

For these reasons, we recommend a tall dog such as a Great Dane, a Neapolitan Mastiff, or a Scottish Deerhound. Note, something such as a sausage dog or a pug will not suffice in this situation. You would merely come crashing out of your bath unit and would likely break several limbs in agonising fashion.

The bath mutt would be extremely well behaved, of course, and also extremely mature. You would not feel at all embarrassed, or feel the need to hide your modesty, as the mutt would avert its gaze at key moments. What a polite little dear!

“Erm… Are You Sure?”

Granted, the bath mutt would be prone to moments of excitability (it is a dog, after all) and may attempt to bound merrily into the bath with you, but at moments like this you can simply either panic insanely or command it to “Sit, bath mutt, and behave!” This command should do the trick, leaving you to continue wallowing in your bubble bath.

Thankfully, the bath mutt will be affordable for all people, regardless of if you’re filthy rich or a working class scumbag. At a mere £400 ($600), you can own one in your home! It will, of course, probably get on with any existing animals you own (except ferrets) and will live quite happily in your bathtub or shower unit when you’re not starkers in there yourself.

We have to say, this is probably the best invention we’ve ever come up with. Dogs will inexplicably and unconditionally love being a bath mutt, your tedious bathing experiences will receive an added oomph, and you’ll be able to throw your putrid old bath mat (which, no doubt, hasn’t been washed in weeks – admit it!) away. Everybody wins. Hurray!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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