Summer may be on its deathbed for 2016, but this doesn’t mean one can’t still enjoy ice cream. Indeed, there’s no reason why ice cream shouldn’t warm the cockles of your heart this autumn, which is why we present to you petrol ice cream! It’s every bit as insanely dangerous as it sounds.
Most of us will agree the fresh stench of petrol at any gas station is quite the glorious smell. It’s up there with freshly mowed grass, flowers, napalm, and the aftertaste one can enjoy following the detonation of an atom bomb. This is what we aimed for with petrol ice cream, which simultaneously warms you up and leads to the aspiration of gastric content containing petrol. Don’t worry, if that happens you’ll pass out soon enough.
Petrol Ice Cream
Okay, this is one easy recipe. Got ice cream? Melt it down. Got petrol? Tip it on in. Slosh the two together and then stick the mix into your freezer. There we go! A few hours later you have the world’s most dangerous ice cream. Excited? You should be bloody giddy with barely restrained evil machinations.
On a taste level we’ll admit upfront it’s all rather ghastly. We invented sardine ice cream a while ago, so perhaps liven the recipe up a bit by including a few stray sardines if you can’t hack the harsh onslaught of raw petrol.
It also goes without saying you should keep most naked flames away from this recipe. Indeed, nudity is entirely banned with this recipe as part of a long list of precautions we’ve drawn up to put your safety near the top of our corporate agenda (extreme wealth always comes first).
Naturally, the World Health Organisation (WHO) has been on our case about this recipe and told us we’re not allowed to release it to the public. Instead, we’ve got an “illegal” (in our minds it’s totally legal) ice cream ring on the go – you can turn up to our address and ask for the stuff. It’s £300 ($500) a gallon.
We live in Manchester, so just go to Piccadilly Gardens in the city centre and loiter about the place. The moment you see a shady looking hoodlum, ignore him or her. We’re the ones dressed as smart and responsible citizens. We’ll also be carrying around giant billboards which say “Buy Your Petrol Ice Cream Here!”, which should clear up any confusion.
As for safety – we tried out petrol ice cream and can report only minor health and safety concerns. It has a habit of shredding one’s throat and frothing up one’s innards. This isn’t wholly unpleasant, but it can lead to hospital visits and/or permanent death.
Thusly, we can recommend you water down your petrol ice cream by removing all traces of petrol and simply serving yourself regular ice cream. Indeed, with it’s pleasant aftertaste and chilled sugary goodness, it’s quite the marvel.
There really was no need for petrol at all! Oh well, our esteemed editor (Mr. Wapojif) only went blind for two days, but now he’s pretty much back to normal apart from the relentless, tinnitus inducing high-pitched shrieking. We’re not sure why he’s doing that.