Exclusive Recipe: SandWiches (i.e. using sand in a sandwich)

The Sandwich
Damn… that’d look really great in a sandwich!

Most of us probably wouldn’t consider eating sand, yet we’re quite happy to indulge in a sandwich at any given opportunity. This is merely one of the many utterly ridiculous, fallacious, and positively odious ways in which modern human beings conduct their eating habits. It makes us want to puke!

With a beady eye on the future, we have to presume (as the world’s human population continues to spiral wildly out of control) there may be a food shortage problem. Our solution is simple – the desert. With vast expanses of unused sand, it’s time we did something about it and got rid of the deserts whilst solving future generations’ sandwich based needs.

The SandWich

Who really needs the desert, anyway? Desserts we get, yeah, don’t get us wrong, but deserts don’t serve any other purpose than providing moody photographers with moody pictures which they believe shows off their profundity. Anyone can point a camera, you imbeciles!

In reality, deserts are bloody hot during the day, bloody cold at night, and generally bloody useless. Occasionally, some human being emerges from one after being stuck out there and ends up on a Discovery Channel documentary which will keep you entertained for 40 minutes. Other than this, deserts are pointless.

With all that sand sitting around being creatively and economically redundant, it makes perfect sense to use it all in a new range of SandWiches. Simply put, this is a sandwich which replaces bread with sand (superglue can be used to hold the sand together), whilst traditional ingredients such as ham, cheese, eggs, mayonnaise, and asbestos can be added according to one’s preferences.

Desert sand is cheap and free, so this is a cost-effective and environmentally friendly way of cleaning up the world’s superfluous regions of desert. Additionally, the more sand is removed, the more free land will become available, which will allow construction companies to build things such as casinos in the middle of the former Gobi desert.

I’m Not Sure if this is Legal…

Legality is a human construct with no real meaning, along with other suppositions such as cake, gravity, time, magnets, and the ending of Jaws. Once you realise this, your mind will be free from burdens such as morality, common sense, logic, intelligence, and self-awareness.

Indeed, what’s wrong with mindlessly bulldozing into the Gobi desert and syphoning off all that excess sand to make disgusting sandwiches? It’s not as if anyone lives there! What, you’re going to pretend there’s a sort of James Cameron-esque Avatar community living out there being at-one with nature? Don’t make us angry!

Of course, our antics will ensure many photographers will be put out of a job due to the lack of deserts. What we can recommend to these individuals is to apply to NASA’s future Mars missions. Have you seen that planet? It’s one giant ball of sand – plenty of opportunities to take moody snaps up there. Bon voyage!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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