“Don’t judge a boot by its cover!” the wise old saying goes. Okay, we don’t and we never will! What we can do, though, is question what in the name of cripes does this saying even exist for! What “cover”? Boots don’t have a cover, unless you count the big old flap under the laces at the front and, frankly, we see no social or economic harm in criticising someone’s boots.

Still, fair enough, we won’t judge a boot by its flap thing. But then again, these things will be going on our stupid big man feet. We want to look good – we don’t want our stupid big man feet looking ridiculous in stupid bloody boots now, do we? Thusly, we must wonder about the legitimacy of this hare-brained claim and whether we should simply judge boots on their bootliness (if that’s a word, which apparently it is not). Onwards, comrade!

Don’t Judge a Boot by its Cover

We presume this saying was invented deep in the past when many more people wore boots, as these days few people bother. Why? Perhaps as they look a bit stupid. Unless you’re going up bloody Mount Everest, it’s unlikely you’ll need boots. Indeed, that includes your trip to a local supermarket to buy some almond milk. Boots? No. Superfluous, sir or madam!

Boots were commonplace in everyday life yonks back. From frolicking on a beach, to gyrating one’s hips on a dancefloor, or leering suggestively at women in the street due to the misogynistic demands of polite society at the time, boots were everywhere.

As everyone back in the olden days was wandering around looking stupid, this saying must have been invented by the loony left progressivists to stop society from rightly placing boots in the Crimes Against Humanity cupboard.

Sayings have a habit of sticking around (just look at “beauty is in the eye of the beetroot holder” and “good things come to those who oscillate“) clogging up logical thought. Indeed, we say it’s about time we started judging a boot by its cover. How else are we to ensure boots never become commonplace fashion statements again?

Avoiding an International Catastrophe

Surely it’s only a matter of time before Hipsters catch up with the boot, don’t judge its cover, and spread their boot-feet smell in coffee shops around the world? Well, the boot is now on the other foot! We’ve taken the initiative and are determined to send boots to boot camps to get some discipline stuck into them. Only then will they be worthy of society.

We’re on about military boot camps, too, so boots can rejoin society fully primed with a bloodthirsty disregard for PC inanities. They’ll bloody well judge everyone by their cover and will annihilate anyone who dares to wear stupid looking boots. You’ve been warned!

Naturally, this excludes mountain climbers. These brave souls represent the very best elements of mindless nationalism, such as throwing one’s moral support behind rich people who climb imposing cliffs for no discernible reason.

In conclusion, we recommend you all go off and watch Das Boot in preparation for the social and economic upheaval ahead. It won’t be pretty, but at least you’ll be able to bloody well say so once repressive demands have been airlifted to hospital like a soldier who’s just been kicked in the groin by someone wearing boots. Amen, brother!