Exclusive Recipe: Chilli Con Artist Carne (food and conning in one!)

Chilli con artist carne
It looks so appetising. What’s the con?

Chilli con carne is one of the most famous recipes since time itself began. There are others such as beans on toast, shepherd’s pie, and scrambled eggs which may have your brain salivating, but it is only chilli con carne which offers the wholesome goodness of chilli and con carne in the same bag (although it’s best to serve it on a plate).

Chilli con carne simply means “chilli with meat”. So, really, its name is as about as inspired as “beans on toast” – simply put, it does exactly what it says on the tin. Most people who eat chilli con carne are not con artists, however, which is why our recipe will solve this talent gap by filling you up whilst providing the basics on how to swindle yourself some riches.

Chilli Con Artist Carne

We’ve all been there, standing at a train station or something, and then there’s this beer drenched, grating voice swirling in your direction, “’scuse me, mate, can you lend me 50p? The Queen took my wallet and I haven’t asked for it back and now I am broke and homeless, which has nothing to do with my lifelong gambling addiction or anything.” Once you tell them to clear off, you are either accosted with verbal abuse or a regal, “No problem, thanks for your gracious time, sir.” Confusing, eh?

Such a tactic is a basic type of conning people, whilst more elaborate set ups can rake in a good living. Watch the film American Hustle to get a good idea of what to do (Ridley Scott’s Matchstick Men is another good example), perhaps whilst you’re eating chilli con carne to get your act together. Whatever, being dimwits we want the easiest route possible.

So, cook up a big cauldron of chilli con carne and then lug this out into the street with you. With some serious charisma and swagger, encourage people to enjoy “the best chilli con carne ever!” at the price of £50 a bowl. If anyone baulks at the price, inform them they’ll be reported as communists to the local authorities (blackmail is useful in con artistry) and also brandish a shotgun if anyone shows signs of disinterest.

Look, This Isn’t Legal!

No, but then abseiling isn’t either and yet at least 100 people do that every day! Indeed, a good opportunity to sell off your massively overpriced chilli con artist carne (do remember to use substandard ingredients to save money) is to abseilers – once they reach the bottom, force your foodstuff on them and inform them, “Please, buy this! If you don’t I will die of rabies and it will be your fault!” Such tactics often work.

Once your operation has been successful you can up your game a bit. Don’t bother cooking the food and just use plastic toy chilli con carne meals – again, steal them to save on moolah. After this, barter these on the street as real food. If customers suggest it doesn’t look or smell authentic, retort with outrage it must be their foul stench and drunken stupidity which is the problem. Fostering shame is a big part of this, you see.

With these tactics, you’ll be sure to have a steady line of lawsuits lined up, during which you can plead insanity in order to walk away with no charges (dribbling, arbitrary clapping, and communicating by grunting is useful for this outcome). Best of luck, con artists!

6 comments

  1. Chili con carne has always been a con artist. Why is it called chili not chilly?
    There is nothing chilly about it at all. It’s hot as he**! If I cook some kidney beans or anything else, put it in the fridge then it will become chilly, downright cold actually.
    Where-in does chilly become chili? Aye, here’s the rub….. or as we say today, the con carnie.

    Like

    • I want to know what people from Chile call chilli con carne. Do they have a national variety? I do hope so. Maybe it’s made out of ice, eh? All this talk of the stuff makes me want to cook up a batch (of chilli con carne, not crystal meth of anything untoward).

      Like

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