A Few Good Men is about a few good men. It stars men such as Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, Kevin Bacon, and other men. Demi Moore is in it as well, although she is not a man. She married a man, however, called Bruce Willis, who isn’t in this film. Bruce Willis has starred in other films with men, though, such as Last Man Standing (1996) which features men and lots of standing.

Good, we’re glad we could clear that up. Anyway, in this film’s most pivotal and famous shouty scene, Bacon, Cruise, and Nicholson (now that would be some sandwich) mouth off until Nicholson can’t take it anymore and churns out the memorable line: “You can’t handle the truth!”. Wow… but what if the screenwriters had chosen a different route?

You can’t handle the truth!

Here it is in all its glory! It makes you think of big questions, such as whether you could handle the truth. Brace yourself, as here is an example of a truth: space is big. Were you able to handle it? Congratulations, you have permission to read the rest of today’s post!

You can’t handle the untruth!

The untruth is a lie, basically, and sometimes lies are difficult to swallow. Here’s an example of a common lie: Infant: “Daddy, where do babies come from?” Father: “Go ask your mother!”.

You can’t handle my tooth!

A Few Good Men might have been a more memorable film had it been about Jack Nicholson’s teeth. Maybe. He’s famous for his smile, as is Tom Cruise, so this is a rather toothy film. This is why they cast Kevin Bacon, to even it out a bit with some rashers.

You can’t handle the uncouth!

Too true! Uncouth sorts (definition: people who are uncouth) are tough to handle and, frankly, should be stored in a cage. Inhumane? Yes. Pragmatic? You’d better believe it!

You can’t handle the poof!

As in one of those things. This is fair enough – we wouldn’t want strangers coming into our home and moving our furniture around.

You can’t handle Michael Bluth!

As in the Bluth family from Arrested Development. Not seen it? Watch it.

You can’t handle the troops!

Quite right, too, there’s no place in the army for perversity.

You can’t handle my youth!

Whilst it’s tempting to always think of Nicholson as a 30 something legend who is impossibly cool, he’s now 79. Not that’s he’s lost his cool or anything, but sometimes you just have to let go of your youth, man.

You can’t handle my fountain of youth!

What is it with this guy and his delusions of youth? Silly old man!

You can’t handle bluetooth!

Neither can we. Even after all these years, we’re not sure what it bloody well is and why it exists.

You can’t handle dry vermouth!

In this version of the film, Tom Cruise’s characters goes on to try and prove Nicholson wrong by consuming a load of dry vermouth until he starts stripping, singing a song about goblins, and passing out.

You can’t haggle the truth!

True, haggling isn’t something you can do with things which aren’t essentially tangible.

You can’t handle the toupe!

We’re not sure if Cruise has had a hair transplant, or just wears a toupe, but his mighty mane sure is impressive… even if we can’t handle it.

And Finally… You can’t handle the roof!

At his age, Nicholson most certainly should not be handling any roofs. You’d do your back in, man! Get an underling to do it.