Ho ho hopeless, dear readers! Santa is back after a dormant spell and he isn’t best pleased about any of it. Yes, it’s the buildup to Christmas 2016 and he’s got a lot of work to get on with, which he’s determined to do in the most belligerent way possible.
Santa’s Exclusive Column
Ho ho s***. I spent my hibernation period largely wallowing in filth, but Christmas comes but once a year, not that I care, but the rest of the world does, so I have to get my butt into gear.
You may recall last year I got stamped with a government warning following a nuclear explosion at my toy-making factory. This year, I’ve been warned by the local police to be on my best behaviour. Goddamn… pigs!
Firing up the Factory
My Christmas routine involves waking up my army of hibernating elves, so this year I marched into their quarters clanging giant cymbals together, before demanding they go through a Full Metal Jacket type belittling drill, which I’ve called Full Mental Jacket. I even kidnapped R. Lee Ermey to act as drill instructor and force him at bazooka point to recite lines from the film!
My wife, Mrs. Claus, then told me to “fire up the factory” so, as per her order, I poured petrol on it and set it alight. This caused a considerable amount of consternation and several fatalities, as well as the first police warning of the year. It was a bit of a false start, but there was the typical nanny state loony lefty response to this and I stand by my somewhat idiotic actions.
Last year, my reindeer were showing signs of disillusionment with the whole Christmas thing. On Christmas Eve they took to spitting at people they saw walking in the street, shouted obscenities, and Rudolph got wasted on a canister of petrol he found at one house near Chipping Ongar.
This year he was shifty from the get-go, wandering around with a bottle of brandy in one hoof, whilst with his other hooves he threw punches at my elves. They soon complained about this, so to sort out matters I challenged Rudolph to a drinking competition.
This resulted in another factory fire until the Barbie doll quarter suffered an implosion which left severed Barbie doll heads scattered for hundreds of metres around. It was a most haunting sight… and it got me another police warning! Rudolph has, at least, stopped drinking and has now moved on to hardcore heroin abuse.
Embracing Hydropower Technology
After last year’s nuclear mishap, Santa has gone green and embraced hydroelectric power. This stuff “captures” (with big nets, I guess) the power created by flowing water and turns this into energy. “Brilliant! There’s water all over the place in the North Pole!”, I thought.
I promptly invested £300 million into building a hydropower station next to my factory. I was warned the local ice wouldn’t melt anytime soon by my advisors, so I told them to stuff it or face torture and public ridicule. However, their objections have turned out to be rather accurate – I’ve built a hydropower station where there’s no goddamn flowing water!
Thankfully, I was able to sell the station to Russian investors who promptly turned it into an ideology centre promoting demented polemics. I’ve since learned this new factory is run by Santa Communism – this invention is a “jolly” bearded man about my age. He creates socialist propaganda which he will disseminate on Christmas Eve. “By Jove, this will not stand!” I roared.
I confronted my instantaneous bitter rival with much violence and verve, bashing down his factory doors with a spare box of severed Barbie doll heads. In turn, several of his lackeys (working class proletariat scumbags!) opened fire on me with spud guns filled with Christmas pudding.
I responded by throwing barbie doll heads at them, but I was soon so covered in disgusting pudding I hastily retreated home to shower. I will return another time to have it out with Santa Communsim – this is a ****ing outrage and I won’t stand for it!