Great Restaurants of Yore: Cal’s Titanic Calzones

Cal - Titanic Calzones
So long as you’re not a working class scumbag, you’ll be A okay.

As we all know, Cal (Billy Zane) from James Cameron’s Titanic survived the disaster and went on to marry someone other than Kate Winslet. This begs the question – what did the floppy haired man accomplish later in his life? We like to think he opened a restaurant with a heavy calzone theme.

We’re sure he called it Cal’s Titanic Calzones (playing on his survivor status, the despicable git!) and he acted as the maître d’hôtel and proprietor due to his posh British accent, upper class sense of superiority, and the fact it was his restaurant and he could do what he bloody well wanted. Fair enough, sir!

Cal’s Titanic Calzones

For the uninitiated, a calzone is a pizza which has been folded over onto itself so, yes, it’s derriere is essentially up in the air. If this wasn’t humiliating enough for the erstwhile pizza, a customer must hack at its carcass with a knife and fork to get into it, rather than being able to pick up triangular segments.

When done improperly, the calzone has a habit of being dry, bland, lacking in character, and ultimately a bit of a pompous buffoon. Kind of like Cal from Titanic, really, which is apt and no doubt why he decided on a calzone restaurant following on from a fit of self-awareness. Prior to this, he was simply a slimy, handsome bastard. Indeed, here he is being a slimy, handsome bastard to Leonardo da Vinci.

With a smile like that, along with his remarkable narcissism, who could say no to the man and his enormous calzones? Indeed, the big selling point in his restaurant is the calzones are bloody massive! How can he afford to do this? Well, his restaurant is for upper-class toffs, that’s why!

Anyone who thinks £10,000 is a piffling trifle had a wonderous time in his restaurant, whereas middle and working class scumbags were thrashed out of the premises by a baton-wielding hoodlum. As Basil Fawlty once opined, one must rid oneself of the riff-raff.

Cal’s Calories

Being a conscientious sort, Cal did at least try and keep the calorie count down in his food. We guess he opened up the restaurant circa the 1930s, or something, which means his knowledge of calories would have been wholly primitive. Indeed, anything around an intake of 5,000 calories per serving was deemed perfectly acceptable.

Over the inexorable passage of time, this did mean Cal’s regulars gained a significant amount of weight (these people are known as “fat bastards” in the UK) and developed gout. To counteract this, the ever versatile Cal invented Calpol (he would later market this as a children’s medicine) as well as the calculator, before moving to California.

Due to his sterling efforts, his legacy has been honoured on many occasions, most notably when Lando Calrissian was named after him (sort of) in that Star Wars film. A most fitting tribute. If only there was now an Official Cal day to mark in our calendar.

6 comments

  1. Love the whole Cal experience, Does one get any calcium from these Calzones? Does one need to know calculus to eat a Calzone? Would Calzones help caltronics if the caltronicators ate Calzones. Does Billy Zane eat Calzones??

    Liked by 1 person

    • Calzones will be provided with calcium capsules and heated with British Cali Gas to ensure you get the whole stiff-upper-lip British experience. Billy Zone has been known to eat calzones and ice cream.

      Like

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