Exclusive Recipe: Beerd (like beer, but with more beards)

Hipster or Viking beard?
Is this a Hipster or a cast member off Vikings? Whatever, we bet he’s thirsty for ale!

Beards are pretty popular these days thanks to the Hipster movement and that TV show Vikings. It’s a bit weird seeing Hipsters 1,000+ years ago, though, massacring their way through helpless British innocents. I thought Hipsters were supposed to be affable and aloof, as opposed to marauding lunatics! Oh well, you learn something every day.

Vikings liked ale, of course, which is why we’ve invented this new beard heavy drink to infuse in everyone a sense of crazed psychosis. This is what alcohol tends to do to most people anyway, but this time around there’s a hearty helping of beard to turn this into the most happening drink of 2017. Indeed, one swig of this grog and you’ll be invading your nearest Starbucks for swag!


For the uninitiated, beards are what happen when men want to add a layer of additional hair to their fizzog. Jim Morrison did it, so does President Whitmore in Independence Day 2, and so does Brian Blessed. So, as you can see, it’s perfectly normal behaviour to grow one of these things.

Beer drinking is perfectly normal, too! So why haven’t the two ever been combined? We asked this amongst a peer group for marketing feedback and the general consensus was: “Because it would be disgusting”! Would it, though? Would it really?! At Professional Moron, we always beg to differ.

As a result, we hit several barbers around Manchester city centre to get hold of a metric tonne of recently acquired beard trimmings. With this lot in tow, we bought 100 litres of beer (we won’t name the brand), and emptied the entire lot into our office bathtub. When this started overfilling, we used the sink, numerous spare buckets, and eventually some plastic bags (these started leaking, but nevermind) as storage units. Voila! Beerd.

Taste Test!

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was the first to give it a go. It was difficult to discern his feedback as his eyes bulged out, his face turned red, and he began coughing and spluttering all over the place. Ultimately, he was left slumped on the floor visibly cowering. Leaving him to it, the rest of the Professional Moron office joined in the binge.

The reaction was much the same, with our apprentice reduced to a slobbering, sobbing wreck of dismay. So traumatised by beerd are we, we’ve been too scared to clean away the vat of product left behind. Thusly, our office is clogged up with beer which has gone flat and bits of beard which make us nauseous from merely looking at them. Damn you, Hipsters!

In hindsight, it’s fair to say this recipe is revolting and stomach churning. This would be a lie, though, as our stomachs couldn’t churn as they were clogged up with other peoples’ beard hair. Come to think of it… this recipe is disgusting! What the hell were we thinking?


  1. Whatever you were thinking… you weren’t thinking. You should have made Weird…. wine and beard. Then you could have comb – ined it with dinner menus. My best to Mr. Wapojif, if he’s still alive.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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