People and their horrible problems, eh? Today it’s all about an ingrowing toenail. You never hear about outgrowing toenails, do you? It’s always grumbling about the ingrowing ones which, frankly, we think is a bit prejudiced against toenails. Let them grow in any direction they bloody well want!

Toenails

Dear Professional Moran. I’m appealing to you as a wife of a man with an ingrowing toenail. I know we live in harsh times, but never has stuff been harsher than the wife of a man with a toenail going in the wrong direction. Not only is it humiliating, but it’s bloody gross. I can’t so much as look at my husband without projectile vomiting uncontrollably, which is making social events somewhat awkward. I know it’s not his fault, but I feel the need to blame him anyway as he’s a disgusting man bloke and his feet are gross. How could this happen to me?! What is the meaning of this?! I just want my husband's feet to be less gross than they currently are! Cindy.

Hi, Cindy. It’s Professional “Moron”, not “Moran”, you idiot. Anyway, you’re quite right – your husband’s ingrowing toenail is his business and you have no right to poke your nose into his affairs. We’d also recommend you don’t poke your nose against his ingrowing toenail, as this would likely hurt him.

Anyway, if you’re concerned about his health you can get him to visit what is known as a “doctor”. These magical individuals have insightful medical knowledge; your husband could also visit these buildings known as “hospitals” where expensive machinery hack off limbs and whatnot. If he’s unwilling to waste his time getting it sorted, perhaps take matters into your hands.

Operation

To save time and money, you may want to consider hacking the offending toe from his body. You can use a chainsaw for this and perform the operation as he sleeps. Naturally, he’ll awaken in a fit of screaming hysterics with blood gushing like a fountain from his wound. You’ll need to cauterise the wound – ensure you have your hair straighteners on nearby and jam the scalding ends onto the bit where all the blood is flying everywhere.

If a less brutal option is what you have in mind, Cindy, then consider buying some pliers, jamming them to his big toe, and yanking really hard until the toenail isn’t technically ingrowing anymore. Again, this will cause a considerable amount of agony for your husband – perhaps warn him about it prior to letting doing anything.

Projectile Vomiting

If he suffers any further ingrowing toenail issues, you may want to address your purging issues. Carry a large bin bag around with you at all times to store all of your evacuated stomach contents in – this saves on carrying multiple bags.

You can also visit your hospital to have your stomach removed if this is a continuing issue. However, make it known to your husband the extent of which you’ll go to display your true love to him. You could also simply puke all over him as often as possible to let him know how gross he is. Good luck, Cindy!