Breaking News: Glasses Named “Enemy of the State” as UK Riots!

Glasses named enemy of the state
This time it’s because of glasses.

British society has, once again, been plunged into anarchy after a tabloid newspaper (allegedly) named glasses as an “enemy of the state”. In unprecedented scenes, glasses wearers stormed into city and town centres and began smashing the place up a bit, leaving bins and flower patches upturned.

Once calmed down by riot police, glasses supporters began holding a peaceful vigil – congregating in city centres and singing kumbaya. Panicking coppers soon brought in high-velocity water cannons to break up the hysterical mob, although this backfired and simply commenced another period of rioting. As of today, there shows no signs of abatement.

The Statement

The statement which caused such offense is listed below verbatim – be warned, if you are easily offended or wear glasses, read at your own peril. The extract is from a notoriously controversial columnist:

"It has come to my attention that those that wear that them glasses is that way inclined to be an enemy of the state. People who wear glases are lazy. People who wear sunglasses are all right, but should still be exiled. Any Brit who wears glasses should not be able to order at restaurants, as their judgement cannot be respected. Similarly, restaurants should fire any staff who have glasses, especially chefs. I do not want to order soup and receive scrambled eggs instead, thank-you-very-much!"

The broadsheets condemned the comments which were made over the weekend, but also condemned the rioters, who themselves condemned the tabloids and the broadsheets for condemning them. In the confusion, several thousand Brits missed their tea break, which induced further rioting.

In the melee, police found it difficult to determine which set of rioters were which – they decided to use water cannons on anyone seen walking in the street. Parliament triggered martial law last night to curb escalating injuries and cries of “bloody hell!” and “I say, that’s not on!”, with citizens ordered to return to their homes, build a bomb shelter, and hide.

Chaos

The Archbishop of Canterbury appealed for calm and noble Christian values amongst the multicultural society of Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, and atheists. Meanwhile, the Queen of England (after a severe delay) issued a statement:

"Citizens! Whilst, as a fellow glasses wearer, I feel your sense of anguish, I must appeal for calm. This is not British behaviour. Do you think, during World War II, we solved anything by fighting? No! Quite the opposite! We choose to go to the Moon! We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard. This is all I have to say to you. End statement and farewell."

When accused of plagiarism, the Queen (allegedly) told gathered reporters to “**** off” before stumbling over several of her numerous Corgis and tumbling into her waiting limo. Meanwhile, unelected Prime Minister Teresa May also appeared publically, but only to denounce communism and Russian spies. When pressed about the rioting, she stated:

"The people of Britain have spoken and, if they wish to riot, rioting is what they will do. This is a democracy and this is how democracies work. Once they've calmed down, they'll be forced at gunpoint to head out into the street to clear up the mess they've made. This is how a democratic government works."

It’s unclear when the rioting will end, but then many other things are unclear (such as why the Earth is round and not spherical). Just before going to press, Professional Moron learnt a cessation of the rioting occurred after the British Army decided to use warfare cannons rather than water ones. Apparently, this solved the issue.

2 comments

  1. I do hate it when I order soup and getting scrambled eggs instead. Even worse though is ordering soup and instead getting sued for sexual harassment. I don’t know whether their correlated, but trust me. It sucks.

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