Food isn’t dangerous enough, really, when you think about it. Well, we guess it depends on what you eat – in the long-term, stuff like chips and donuts are extremely dangerous, but on the short-term interim basis, they’re delightful little snacks which will put a smile on your stupid face as you binge watch SpongeBob.

Most of us don’t get up to anything deadly, though. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, tries to spice up his days by adding spice to everything he eats. Consequently, he walks around in a state of mouth anguish as the chillies burn his mouth to the core. This isn’t proper food-based excitement, however, which is why we’ve invented corn on the cobra. It combines lovely old corn with dangerous old cobras. What could go wrong?!

Corn on the Cobra

For your information, the cobra is a snake which is venomous. It disseminates its venom through its fangs. Fangs are teeth, although human beings don’t have them (except for vampires, such as Benedict Cumberbatch). Cobras need them because they have to catch prey such as sabre-toothed tigers; it’s a complex world, the animal kingdom, let’s just state it’s a vital necessity for the cobra species to be insanely dangerous 24/7.

Corn isn’t as dangerous as this – you can barely even asphyxiate yourself on the stuff. Indeed, try choking to death on popcorn. For a start, that would be stupid, but it is also a near impossibility. Other near impossibilities include white bread being nice and the Moon being interesting.

Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with merging cobras with corn. To make this recipe, you’ll need a cobra (have a shuffle around in your back garden to find one) and tinned corn. Whilst wrestling in terror with the cobra, glue bits of corn onto the serpent beast until it resembles a corn on the cob. This will take some time and, naturally, you’ll be bitten multiple times before your ordeal is over (cooking prep isn’t always the best fun – peeling onions, anyone?).

Before you pass out, place the cobra (which will be hissing in outrage in your general direction) in the fridge and leave the corn to set overnight. In the morning (best wait until the cobra is asleep), seize hold of the snake and consume your dinner. If the serpent awakens, do not it will commence its ferocious attack on you forthwith.

Anti-Venom

Whilst it’s advisable you only eat corn on the cobra in your nearest hospital, we can recommend an anti-venom should you be moronic enough to try all this at home. The anti-venom is called plasticine – stare in wonder at its glorious colours as you begin to hallucinate wildly before losing consciousness.

Okay, so this isn’t a suitable solution to this hazardous recipe, but if you’re feeling adventurous we can recommend you give it a whirl. Incidentally, if you can’t find a cobra, you can substitute this with another animal such as a great white shark, Rottweiler, far right political supporter, or a picture of Don Cob (Leonardo DiCaprio’s character from Inception). Enjoy!