Cars are great and all that if you can drive them and don’t mind the stultifying pollution they belch into the atmosphere, but they’re not much use as a carpet. “Ah!” you might say, “But my car has carpets within it, plus it is meant for driving purposes, so why would I need it to double up as a carpet?!” Because, dimwit, then it saves you from having to buy a carpet! This is the joy of doubling up products.
Thusly, we have invented the CARpet, which is an automobile vehicle which can also be used to adorn your home with flood-based loveliness. Yes, now you can drive to your local supermarket to pick up a pint of almond milk, return home, and gloriously lay your vehicle out in your home and walk all over it – consumerism at its finest.
Whilst cars are great for driving and occasionally having accidents in, when not being driven they just sort of sit there doing nothing. Some people feel so bad about this situation they’ll break into the car to drive it around and sell to a better owner. Some even immolate it in order to free its soul from the limitations of being a car.
Thanks to our patented technology (superglue and carpets, mainly), your car will now never get lonely! Whatever vehicle you drive, we can turn it into a CARpet. Simply pay us £5,000 and drive your vehicle to the Professional Moron office. Within 24 hours (you’ll need to walk home and come back later) we’ll have glued carpet throughout your vehicle – tastefully done, of course! No garish colour choices, we can assure you.
Once decked out, you can return to collect your car – do note, it will be covered in carpet. Some of our customers found this alarming. One bloke even began bellowing: “What the bloody hell have you done to me bloody car, you f***ing morons?!” Whilst he took us to court, a minority of our other customers were absolutely delighted with the work we did.
The Carpet Bit
So, how do you turn your CARPet into a carpet? It’s pretty simple, really, and only takes several hours (the time will vary depending on your ability to wield a hammer, chainsaw, crowbar etc.)! You simply return home and then dismantle your vehicle – carefully lay the bits of CARPet into your room of choice and voila! You’ve got a carpet.
This does mean, naturally, anything you’ve run over will be brought into your home. If you’ve got a fondness for dead bugs splattered on your windshield then that’s great, but you may want to run a cloth over that before walking bare foot on it and around your home.
It’s the ultimate in convenience! When you arise the next morning, simply piece together your vehicle again and head back to work. Do note, you’ll have to get up at around 4am in the morning to ensure you put your vehicle back together properly – you don’t want to be late to work! You also don’t want to attach your brake to the accelerator by accident and plunge off a cliff, or whatnot, so maybe get a degree in engineering before purchasing the CARpet. Once you’ve graduated, you’ll be all set!